Category: Women's Lib

UNCANNY INSIGHT

A spinster's phone rang late one night.

“Hello,” – said a deep voice on the other end. “I know all about you. You'd like me to throw you on the bed, rip your clothes off, kiss you all over your body and make violent love to you.”

The woman looked at the phone in amazement and replied:

“You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?''

Custom Search

Category: Boys and Girls

SOME LAWS OF SEX

¬ Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

¬ Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

¬ Sex is a three-letter word, which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

¬ Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

¬ Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

¬ After 2 a.m. there are no ugly women.

Custom Search

Category: Boys and Girls

SELF-EVIDENT

Boy met girl at the nudist beach. Enchantment at first sight. Boy blurted out:

 “I love you!”

 Retorted the girl matter-of-factly: “I see.”

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations

HEARING AID

A man and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asked the lady:
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady:
"Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river and the elderly gentleman asked:
"Up or down?"
The woman replied:
"Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady:
"Up or down?"
She replied:
"Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked:
"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied:
"Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."

Custom Search

Category: Marital Bliss

SEX IN THE DARK

Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights...
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device.
A v*i*b*r*a*t*o*r!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent b*a*s*t*a*r*d," - she screamed at him, - "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:
"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids".

Custom Search

Category: Ethnic Stories

JEWISH LOGIC

A young man, Yossi and an elderly man Hymie were riding on a bus in Jerusalem. Yossi asked:
"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"
Hymie hat sich gemacht nit vissen dik (didn't answer). Yossi asked again:
“Sir, what time is it?"
Hymie still did not answer.
"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really need to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"
Hymie turned his head and said:
"Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why
would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

Custom Search

Category: Ecumenical Stories

THE SMILE

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said:

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said:
"Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said:
"Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said:
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked:
"Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said:
"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Custom Search

Category: Boys and Girls

SOME LAWS OF SEX

 Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get, or how long it is going to last.

 Sex is hereditary, if your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

 If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

 The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

 The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

Custom Search

Category: Naughty Jokes

 JAMAICAN FIREMAN

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:

“Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station...

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.

Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says, 'Bell one,' I want you to strip naked, 'Bell two,' you jump on de bed,    'Bell tree,' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night, he came home and shouted, 'Bell One' and she stripped naked. 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed. 'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out:

"BellFour!"

“What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?" - asked the astonished Jamaican.

She replied: .

“Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire.”

Custom Search

Category: Marital Bliss

A POINTED HINT

One evening, a man sitting at the window casually called to his wife:

“There’s that woman the guy next door is in love with!”

His wife dropped the plate she was drying in the kitchen, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase and looked out the window:

“Where? Where?” – she demanded.

“Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress.”

“You idiot! That’s his wife!!!”

“Yes, I know,” – the husband said with a satisfied grin.

Custom Search

Category: Ethnic Stories

MATING URGE

At the Warsaw zoo, the male gorilla passed away. His mate lost all interest in life, stopped eating, sat dejectedly all day in a corner, visibly pining away for lack of love. Telexes were sent to all the zoos in the world, but the search for a replacement was to no avail. In the end a member of the management suggested advertising in the local newspapers. The following ad was published:

“Urgent. Required a mate for our female gorilla. Only candidates, who are single, strong and in perfect physical condition, need to apply. $300, twice weekly.”

Only one reply was received: The letter read:

“I am a 35 year old sailor, single and muscle-bound, ready to do the job as many times a week as necessary, but I have three conditions:

1. I don't want to have to kiss her.

2. I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.

3. I can only afford to pay $150.”

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations

HEARING AID

A man and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asked the lady:

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady:

"Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river and the elderly gentleman asked:

"Up or down?"

The woman replied:

"Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady:

"Up or down?"

She replied:

"Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked:

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied:

"Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."

Custom Search

Category: Marital Bliss A POINTED HINT

One evening, a man sitting at the window casually called to his wife:

“There’s that woman the guy next door is in love with!”

His wife dropped the plate she was drying in the kitchen, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase and looked out the window:

“Where? Where?” – she demanded.

“Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress.”

“You idiot! That’s his wife!!!”

“Yes, I know,” – the husband said with a satisfied grin.

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

Custom Search

Category: Blondes ARRANGEMENT

A depressed young New York blonde was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her and said:

“Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and, if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added:

“I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy.”

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, the captain discovered her.

“What are you doing here?” – asked the captain.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” - she explained. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. And well, he's also screwing me.”

“He sure is, lady,” - said the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry!”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

Custom Search

Category: Marital Bliss

HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS GETTING INTO

It was pitch dark when a man was flagged down by a female hitchhiker. All he could see was her long, loose hair and her provocatively half-open blouse. He took her on board and at the next curve “inadvertently” leaned against her. She did not draw away, so he stopped the car at a conveniently secluded place, kissed her, received a fervent response and soon they were both merrily engaged in making, what euphemistically is called “love.” All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window and a flashlight shone through the car window. The cop could hardly contain himself:

“Don’t you know there is a law against engaging in immoral acts in public places!”

“But Officer,” - protested the man, - “this is my wife who is with me in the car.”

“I am sorry,” - answered the policeman, - “I did not know this was your wife.”

“Neither did I, until you switched on your flashlight.”

 

Custom Search