Category: Marital Bliss

THOUGH QUESTION

A woman was at home when she heard someone knock at the door. She went to open it and saw a man standing there. He asked the lady:

“Do you have a vagina?”

She slammed the door in disgust. The next morning she again heard a knock at the door. It was the same man and he asked the same question:

 “Do you have a vagina?”

She slammed the door again. Later that night when her husband got home she told him what has happened for the last two days. The husband told the wife in a loving and concerned voice:

“Honey I am taking tomorrow off, to be home just in case this guy shows up again.”

The next morning they heard a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband said to the wife in a whispered voice:

“Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it.”

 She nodded yes to her husband and opened the door. Sure enough, the same fellow was standing there and asking the same question.

“Do you have a vagina?”

“Yes” - she said...

The man replied:

“Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?”

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Category: Marital Bliss

SOUND ADVICE

A man went to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked:

"What's wrong?"

The man replied:

"My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked:

"How can that be?"

"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offered:

"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi called the man and said:

"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied:

"Take the poison."

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Category: Marital Bliss

AD

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.  They all said the same: "You can have mine." 

   

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Category: Marital Bliss

CURSE

An old man went to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard said:
"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man said without hesitation:
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Category: Simpletons

SPEECHLESS

“Yesterday when I returned home unexpectedly, I caught my wife in bed with an Italian.”

“Appalling! And what did you say to him?”
“What could I’ve said? I don’t speak Italian.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

A POINTED HINT

One evening, a man sitting at the window casually called to his wife:

“There’s that woman the guy next door is in love with!”

His wife dropped the plate she was drying in the kitchen, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase and looked out the window:

“Where? Where?” – she demanded.

“Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress.”

“You idiot! That’s his wife!!!”

“Yes, I know,” – the husband said with a satisfied grin.

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Category: Marital Bliss

SMALL WORLD

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf, because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake and rough on the course and didn’t bother to wave the men on, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting, one man said:

“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, turned around and came back, explaining:

“I can’t do it. One of these women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

The second man walked towards the ladies, got halfway there and just like his partner, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said:

“Small world!”

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Category: Marital Bliss

FITS THE BILL

Waiter: “What can I get you sir?”

Guest: “Anything that’s big, cold and has a lot of gin in it.”

Waiter: “Then let me introduce you to my wife.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

CONNUBIAL STILL LIFE

A businessman and his secretary arrived in London for a convention. As it happens, their reservation was somehow misplaced and they were offered to share the only available room. Take it, or leave it. They took it.

At night when the doctor was already half asleep, he heard his secretary’s voice:

“It is quite chilly, isn’t it? Could you please close the window for me?”

“How would you like to pretend tonight that you are my wife?” - asked the weary doctor.

“Nothing would please me more,” - answered the secretary enthusiastically.

“Fine, then get up and shut the bloody window yourself.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

CLASSICAL STORY

Every day, an exhausted Dr. Fraud would arrive home wanting to relax for a while with a quiet piece of music. But a loud blast of offensive pop music from the neighboring apartment would completely drown out the delicate strains of the classical piece. One day he had had enough. He knocked on his neighbor’s door and asked:

“Do you know who Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is?”

“No I don’t” - answered the surprised man.

“And have you heard of Ludwig van Beethoven?”

Again the man professed his ignorance, but the other one hammered away relentlessly:

“Does the name Felix Bartholdy Mendelsohn mean anything to you?”

“Who are these people?” - asked the neighbor. “Should I know them?”

“Of course you should, you ignoramus. These are people who wrote music, real music and not this caterwauling you make us all listen to.”

The neighbor thought for a while and then he too posed a question:

“Do you know Tom Noggin?”

It was the turn of Dr. Fraud to act surprised:

“Who might he be? Should I know him?”

“Of course you should. He is the man who comes to your house and screws your wife every Wednesday evening when you go to your concerts.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

DEPENDS ON YOUR VIEWPOINT

A man fancied the Polish peasant’s beautiful, young spouse, but did not know how to achieve his purpose, as the husband guarded his wife jealously and did not let her out of his eyesight. One night he was awakened from deep sleep by a knock on the window of his cottage.

“Janek, look out! Somebody is fooling around with your wife.”

Thoroughly shocked, Janek sat up in his bed and looked to the pillow next to him. His lady was right there, sleeping soundly.

“Silly joker,” - grumbled Janek to himself and drifted off again. After a while, another knock came and a voice called again:

“Watch it, Janek! Somebody is fooling around with your wife.”

Janek looked again and again there was nobody else in their marital bed.

After the third knock on his window, Janek got really mad, put on his pants, opened the door and walked around the cottage, to see who was at the back window, disturbing his sleep. That was the opportunity the secret admirer was waiting for. As soon as Janek left the room, he slipped through the door and got into bed, next to Janek’s wife.

When Janek reached the back window he obviously did not find anyone there. He started to return to the room, when he happened to look through the window and saw the stranger in bed next to his wife. He scratched his head and said wonderingly:

“From the outside it certainly looks that way!”

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Category: Ethnic Jokes

REPAIRMAN

A tourist passing through some godforsaken village saw a gypsy beating up his wife.

“Man, what do you think you are doing?”

“I know what I’m doing,” - answered the gypsy. “I’m fixing my washing machine.”

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Category: Simpletons (DON'T) CHERCHEZ LA FEMME

Two construction workers shared a shady corner during their lunch-break. One of them opened his lunch pail, checked the top sandwich and uttered with disgust:

“Damn, peanut butter again!”

Chucking the offensive food into the nearby wastebasket, he opened his second sandwich, found that it contained tuna and started munching away contentedly. His mate watched with amazement. When his lunch companion threw away his second peanut-butter sandwich, he could no longer restrain himself and burst out:

“Tell me, how long have you been married?”

“20 years,” - answered his finicky colleague.

“And after so many years,” - continued his lunch companion - “your wife still doesn’t know that you hate peanut butter?”

“Leave my wife out of it! I prepared those sandwiches myself.”

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Category: Marital Bliss A POINTED HINT

One evening, a man sitting at the window casually called to his wife:

“There’s that woman the guy next door is in love with!”

His wife dropped the plate she was drying in the kitchen, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase and looked out the window:

“Where? Where?” – she demanded.

“Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress.”

“You idiot! That’s his wife!!!”

“Yes, I know,” – the husband said with a satisfied grin.

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Marital Bliss FITS THE BILL

Waiter: “What can I get you sir?”

Guest: “Anything that’s big, cold and has a lot of gin in it.”

Waiter: “Then let me introduce you to my wife.”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Marital Bliss CONNUBIAL STILL LIFE

A businessman and his secretary arrived in London for a convention. As it happens, their reservation was somehow misplaced and they were offered to share the only available room. Take it, or leave it. They took it.

At night when the doctor was already half asleep, he heard his secretary’s voice:

“It is quite chilly, isn’t it? Could you please close the window for me?”

“How would you like to pretend tonight that you are my wife?” - asked the weary doctor.

“Nothing would please me more,” - answered the secretary enthusiastically.

“Fine, then get up and shut the bloody window yourself.”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Gay Liberation Front CLOSE FIT

“When I get home, I’ll rip off my wife’s undies.”

“Why, are you that horny?”

“No, they just feel too tight.”

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Category: Marital Bliss UNREASONABLE DEMAND

“I heard that you and your wife quarreled, what happened?”

“We could not agree about our summer holidays.”

“How come?”

“I decided to go to the Canary Islands and she insisted on coming with me.”

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