Category: Ecumenical Stories

STRANDED IN THE DESERT

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed
their situation. A long period of silence follows and then the priest said:

"Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father.  In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree,"- said the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father." 

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances, I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?”

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, can I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Can I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK,"-  the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling, he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true Father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father, that's wonderful! Stick it in the camel and let's get out of here."

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Category: Doctors and Patients

DO YOU KNOW

 A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her:
"Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," - she replied, - "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," - said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" - he asked.
"Yes," - the woman said, - "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.
"Correct," - replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked:
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," - she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

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Category: Naughty Jokes

QUESTION AND ANSWER

 Question:
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Answer:
“How do you breathe through that thing?

 Question:
“What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?”
Answer:
“A slut screws everyone. A bitch screws everyone but you”

 Question:
“What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?”
Answer:
“By the time you're finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

THE HASSID AND THE BLONDE

Schlomo the Hassid was standing by a hotel bar about an hour before Shabbat all dressed up in his special Shabbat clothes. A magnificent looking blonde airline hostess, with legs that go on forever, and breasts that are just waiting to envelop you, had just finished checking in, and was on her way to the elevator, when she saw the Hassid. She stopped dead in her tracks and walked over to him.
"Hi" - she said.
"Hullo" - he answered.
"I have a confession to make to you," - she said.
He nodded.
"I have a sexual fantasy".
He nodded.
"I want to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis, play with his gartel, run my fingers through his beautiful beard and play with his payiss. In fact I want you now and I have a room upstairs. Will you join me for half an hour?"
He looked at her thoughtfully and said:
"And what's in it for me?"

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Category: Naughty Jokes

RODEO

Two Texans were sitting at a bar. One asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called the “rodeo.”

His friend said:

“No, what is it??”

“Well, you mount your wife from behind, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands, then say,.........’Boy, these are almost as nice as your sister's....’ Then see if you can hold on for eight seconds!!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

TRUMP CARD

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton died on the same day and they both came before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there was only one space left that day, so the angel had to decide which of them could get in. The angel asked Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she took off her top and said:

“Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Dolly and asked Her Majesty the same question. The Queen dropped her skirt and panties, took a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shook it up and douched with it. The angel said:

“OK, Your Majesty, you may go in”.

Dolly was outraged.

“What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?”

“Sorry, Dolly,” – said the angel, – “but even in heaven, a royal flush beats two of a kind.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

CURE-ALL

A young couple sat on a bench in the park. All at once the girl spoke up:

“My mouth is tingling. Maybe a kiss would help.”

The boy kissed her and the girl snuggled to his chest happily. A little later she said:

“I have a funny prickling feeling in my breasts. Would a kiss make it go away?”

The boy kissed them too and some more time passed. Then the girl said:

“Now I’ve got a bad itch between my legs. Can you do something about that too?”

Obediently the boy applied his mouth to the said part. Suddenly a voice was heard from the bushes:

“Young man, do you cure piles too?”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

CURE-ALL

A young couple sat on a bench in the park. All at once the girl spoke up:

“My mouth is tingling. Maybe a kiss would help.”

The boy kissed her and the girl snuggled to his chest happily. A little later she said:

“I have a funny prickling feeling in my breasts. Would a kiss make it go away?”

The boy kissed them too and some more time passed. Then the girl said:

“Now I’ve got a bad itch between my legs. Can you do something about that too?”

Obediently the boy applied his mouth to the said part. Suddenly a voice was heard from the bushes:

“Young man, do you cure piles too?”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

THE PRICE OF MEAT

A young woman entered the meat shop and inquired about the price of steaks. She was quite taken aback by the reply, but recovered quickly and beckoned to the seller:

“Would you come to the back room with me?”

When the butcher complied, she had a further request:

“Would you mind fondling my breasts just a little?”

“But Madam, what on Earth for?” – asked the surprised man.

“Look, before getting screwed, I like a little foreplay.”

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Category: The Absent-Minded Professor TRE UMBRELLA

The absent-minded professor checked out of his hotel. A few hours later when it started raining, he noticed that he had left his umbrella in his hotel room. He went back to the hotel, but the reception-clerk told him that a young couple on their honeymoon occupied the room.

“They checked in not long ago, so I suggest you go up there, knock on their door and ask them if they have found an umbrella.”

The professor took the elevator upstairs. When he reached his old room and was about to knock on the door, he heard voices from the inside:

“Who do these soft hands belong to?” - said a man’s voice.

“To you, my darling,” - answered a female voice.

“Whom do these sweet lips belong to?”

“To you, sweetheart.”

“Whom do these beautiful breasts belong to?”

“To you, honey.”

Here the professor’s patience ran out and he shouted through the keyhole:

“Excuse me, but when you get to the umbrella, please remember, it belongs to me!”

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Category: Genies, Jinns and Fairies THE OSTRICH

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asked them for their orders. The man said:

"A hamburger, fries and a coke" - and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," - said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returned with the order:

"That will be $9.40 please," - and the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said:

"A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich said:

"I'll have the same."

Again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change. This became routine, until the two entered again.

"The usual?" asked the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad.

Shortly the waitress brought the order and said:

"That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table. The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer:

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," - said the man, - "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars, or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," - said the man.

The waitress asked:

"So, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighed, paused and answered:

"My second wish was for a tall chick with big breasts and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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