Category: Women's Lib

HERMAPHRODITE

A woman gave birth to a baby. Afterwards, the doctor came in and said:

“I have to tell you something about your baby.”

The woman sat up in bed and asked:

“What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???”

The doctor said:

“Well, now, nothing’s wrong exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

“A hermaphrodite.... what’s that???”

“Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... both of a male and a female.”

The woman turned pale. She said:

“Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

STRANDED IN THE DESERT

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed
their situation. A long period of silence follows and then the priest said:

"Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father.  In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree,"- said the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father." 

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances, I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?”

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, can I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Can I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK,"-  the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling, he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true Father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father, that's wonderful! Stick it in the camel and let's get out of here."

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Category: Women's Lib

GIFTS

One day the Lord came to Adam and said:

“I've got some good news and some bad news”.

Adam said:

“Well, give me the good news first.”

The Lord explained:

“I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your species and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you have this organ to give her children.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed:

“These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow:

“You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time.”

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Category: Male Chauvinists

QUID FOR QUO

One morning while she was making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said:

“You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle”.

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought better and didn't reply. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said:

“You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra”.

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place, she said:

“You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your brother”.

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Category: Political Jokes

RETIREMENT PLANS

At the dinner table the Ambassador’s wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.

“Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?”

“A penis,” - replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:

“Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, ‘appiness!”

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Category: Doctors and Patients
BEHIND THE MASK

A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appeared to give him a partial sponge bath.  

"Nurse", - he mumbled, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied:

"I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggled to ask again:

"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that something might happen to him from worry about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.  She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she took a close look and said:

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly:

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......  A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

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Category: Naughty Jokes

BRIEF, BUT NAUGHTY

¬ During the Holiday Season, a man bought his girlfriend a pair of stockings. On one stocking he inscribed “Merry Christmas!”, on the other “Happy New Year!” and on the attached greeting card he wrote: “See you between the two holidays.” 
¬ There is a new pill that cures both impotence and constipation. It will be marketed under the name: “Easy Come, Easy Go.”
¬ While in London, a Scotsman asked a prostitute who accosted him what her going rate was. On hearing her reply, the stupefied man exclaimed:
“But Baby, I don’t want to buy it, just use it for a while.” 
¬ Suggested one penis to another:
“Let’s go and watch a blue movie.”
Answered his mate:
“And stand-up during the entire performance?”

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Category: Marital Bliss

PANCAKES

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared:

"Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," - he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," - Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

   

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Category: From The Mouths of Babes

HIDEOUS DEFORMITY

The country-girl got her period for the first time. She became very frightened, as she didn’t know what caused her bleeding, so she went to the neighbor’s boy, hoping that he could help her. The boy pulled down her panties and in a state of shock exclaimed:

“Of course you are bleeding! Someone has cut off your penis.” 

  

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Category: Computers

PASSWORD

A wife was helping her husband set up his computer and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

P.....

E.....

N.....

I.....

S.....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

"xx" - said
"xx" - said

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Category: Ethnic Stories

TIPPING

Abe, an old Jewish guy, was a yarn merchant. He lived next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite called up Abe and said:

“Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis and I want it delivered tomorrow.”
Abe said: “OK.”
The next morning the anti-Semite was awakened at 7 AM by the sound of running engines. He ran outside to see a row of trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckload after truckload of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard was a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presented a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite. The guy started yelling and screaming at Abe:
“What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?”
Straight-faced, Abe replied:
“I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount, but the tip of my penis is in Poland.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

ORDINATION

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward and bent over to pick it up.
Then all the other bells started to ring ....

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

CAUTIOUS

A group of scientists was investigating sexual activity at an advanced age. They were told of an old man who at the age of 100 years still brought home twice-weekly streetwalkers. If true, this was indeed a rare phenomena and worth looking into. A black lady scientist was so much intrigued that she volunteered to pick up the old geezer and find out his secret. The lady was young and handsome and the old gent readily swallowed the bait and took the scientist home and ravished her three times. After each session, he took a short nap, but asked the woman to hold his balls in her left hand and in her right his penis while he is asleep and not let go for even a second.
The lady scientist was enthusiastic about having made a sensational discovery, but for safety’s sake asked the old man if there is any connection between his unusual potency and the fact that his tool is held in somebody’s hand. Said the old man:
“Actually none. It’s just that the last black girl I took home, stole my purse.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes THE FABULOUS FINKELSTEIN

Mr. Cohen, who lived in a small town, noticed in the paper that the world famous Ringling circus, featuring the fabulous Finkelstein, came to town. He bought a ticket and went to see the show. Performer after performer, until finally, preceded by trumpeters, the fabulous Finkelstein, a small red-haired guy, came on. He placed three large sized walnuts on a table, big drum roll, Finkelstein took his penis out of his pants, took a whack and boom-boom-boom, the three walnuts were broken. Huge ovation, the ladies threw flowers to him, etc. etc. and the show was over.

Five years later Mr. Cohen read in the paper that the Ringling circus, featuring the fabulous Finkelstein. is in town again. Again he went to see the show and hardly waited to see the famous performer. Finally the fabulous Finkelstein showed up, huge ovation, yelling, applause, etc. He placed three big coconuts on the table, took out his penis, took a whack and boom-boom-boom all the three coconuts were broken to small pieces. Unbelievable ovation, flowers, ladies threw their underwear, etc. Mr. Cohen went back-stage to the fabulous Finkelstein's dressing room and said:

“Maestro, I saw your fantastic performance five years ago and now again and was absolutely overwhelmed that it has actually improved. If I may humbly ask, why did you choose a more difficult task, using coconuts instead of walnuts?”

The fabulous Finkelstein quietly replied:

“Unfortunately, I had to. You see, my eyes are not the same as five years ago!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

MONEY DEALINGS

A guy got home late one night and his wife asked:

“Where the hell have you been?”

“I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis.”

“What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?”

“Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow... Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money.... And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

HARD FACTS

A man in a hotel lobby wanted to ask the clerk a question. As he went to the front desk, his elbow accidentally bumped a woman's breast. They were both quite startled. The man turned to the woman and said:

“Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.”

She replied:

“If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

ART

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a VERY PINK penis. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion.

“Can I help you with this painting?” - he asked.

“Well, yes,” - said the gentleman. “We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?”

“Oh” - said the artist. “I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!!!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

SURE SIGN

The two women were neighbors for many years. One of them noticed that every time she hung out her washing, it started raining, whereas when the other woman decided to do her washing the weather was always fair. One day she decided to ask her neighbor if she has some sort of system for ascertaining the weather on the day she hangs her laundry.

The woman replied:

“It is really very simple. I’m always up first in the morning and before getting out of bed, I raise the blanket and have a look inside my husband’s pajama bottoms. If I find that his organ has fallen to the left side, I know it will rain, but if it happens to fall to the right, I am positive the sun will shine.”

“And what if his penis stays in the middle?” - insisted her neighbor.

“In that case, who wants to bother with the washing!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

IRRESISTIBLE URGE

The veteran employee of the pickle factory came home with a sad face.

“I am sorry” - he said to his wife, - “but I have lost my job.”

“How come, dear?” - she asked. “You told me that your boss is quite satisfied with you.”

“To tell you the honest truth, for the last few days I felt a terrible urge to stick my penis into the pickle-slicer and today I finally did it. So they fired me.”

“Oh my God,” - cried his anxious spouse, - “and what happened to your poor penis.”

“As far as I can see nothing.”

“But what about the pickle-slicer?”

“Oh, she was fired too.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

ABSOLUTION

When nuns are admitted to Heaven, they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns were lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they were made holy.

“And so,” - said St. Peter, - “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

“Well,” - said the first nun in line, - “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK” - said St. Peter. “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

The next Nun admitted that:

“Well, yes, I did once get carried away and you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK” - says St. Peter, - “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

Suddenly there was some jostling in the line and one of the nuns was trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what's going on here?” - said St. Peter.

“Well, your Excellency,” - said the nun who was trying to improve her position in line, - “if I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”

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