Category: At Work

SICK LEAVE

A woman called her boss one morning and told him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" - he asked.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," - she said in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

BENEFACTOR

A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight. While en route home he asked the cabby, if he would be a witness. He suspected his wife was having an affair and wanted to catch her in the act.  For $100, the cabby agreed..

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man! The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted:

“Don't do it! ... I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said:

“What would you do?”

The cabby replied:

“I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

THE PASTOR'S ASS

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won
again.

The local paper read:

Pastor's ass out front!

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day, the  local
paper headline read:

Bishop scratches pastor's ass!

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The
local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next
day:

Nun has the best ass in town!

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun, that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day's paper read:

Nun sells ass for $10!

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run wild. The next day
the headlines read:

Nun announces her ass is wild and free!

Alas; the bishop was buried the next day.

Moral of the story? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much
grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

PLAYING MOMMY AND DADDY

As soon as ten-year-old Tommy came home from school, he rushed to the fridge and was getting out the ice cream when his mother entered the kitchen.

“ You shouldn't have ice cream now, Tommy” - she said. “You won't be able to eat dinner. Go and play with your friends.”

“But there's no one outside” - whined the boy.

“OK, then I'll play with you. What do you want to play?”

“I wanna play Mommy and Daddy” - said the child.

Trying not to sound surprised, his mother replied:

“Fine, let's play. What shall I do?”

“Lie down in the bedroom.”

Feeling a little apprehensive, but confident that she would be able to control any problem, the mother went upstairs. Cockily, Tommy strutted to the entrance hall, opened the closet and donned an old hat he found there. On his way upstairs, he noticed one of his fathers' pipes on a table. He stuck it in his mouth and went to the bedroom doorway. Mom asked:

“What do I do now?”

In a surly voice, Tommy uttered:

“Get your ass downstairs and give that kid some ice cream!”

  

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Category: Naughty Jokes

SWEET REVENGE

A married guy was out getting laid, when he suffered a massive heart attack and died. The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying:

“Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away. What would you like us to do?”

To which she replied:

“Cut it off and stuff it in his ass.”

When she went to view the body, she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket. Bending over him, she said softly:

“Hurts, doesn't it?”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

ABSOLUTION

When nuns are admitted to Heaven, they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns were lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they were made holy.

“And so,” - said St. Peter, - “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

“Well,” - said the first nun in line, - “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK” - said St. Peter. “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

The next Nun admitted that:

“Well, yes, I did once get carried away and you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK” - says St. Peter, - “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

Suddenly there was some jostling in the line and one of the nuns was trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what's going on here?” - said St. Peter.

“Well, your Excellency,” - said the nun who was trying to improve her position in line, - “if I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”

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Category: Modern Fables

I KNOW WHO YOU REALLY ARE

At first I thought of entering the fable that follows below, in the “POLITICAL” category, but then I thought that the personality trait ridiculed in it, namely pretending to be someone other than yourself, is typical of all walks of life, so I put it in 'Modern Fables'.

A young German shepherd dog asked the advice of an elder colleague as to the best way to get ahead in the world. The advice of the elder dog was:

“All you have to do is to feign that you are someone else. You could pretend, for example, that you are a wolf and instantly you would be feared and respected by everybody.”

“How can I pretend being a wolf?”

“It is really very simple. The only difference between dogs and wolves is that when dogs meet, they smell each other’s behinds, whereas wolves merely rub noses. You look exactly like a wolf, so stop behaving like a dog, act like a wolf and everybody will accept that you are one.”

The young dog acted on the advice of the older dog and within a short period made a meteoric career and achieved a high position within society. A few years later, at a cocktail party, he saw from afar his mentor from the old days. He was not an ungrateful type and did not try to avoid him. He went over to the old dog and affectionately rubbed noses with him. The elder one looked him over and said:

“I see that you have come up in the world, but with me you don’t have to pretend. I know who you really are, so you can go ahead without fear and smell my ass.”

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Category: For your Kids

NO PEEKING

A man, who had lost an eye in an accident, used to put his glass eye in a cup on his bedside table at night. Once, when he was very thirsty, he mistakenly drank from the cup containing his eye and swallowed it. The next day he went to his physician, complaining about an awful bellyache. The good doctor decided to give him an enema and as he stood there administering it, he suddenly exclaimed:

“Oh my God! In all my 25 years in practice, I have looked at many an ass, but this is the first time that an ass has looked back at me.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

THOSE ITALIANS!

[NOTE: For true enjoyment, read the man's part with a good ol' Italian accent....]

A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat themselves and engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored their conversation at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” - retorted the lady indignantly, - “in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” - said the man. “Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes SWEET REVENGE

A married guy was out getting laid, when he suffered a massive heart attack and died. The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying:

“Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away. What would you like us to do?”

To which she replied:

“Cut it off and stuff it in his ass.”

When she went to view the body, she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket. Bending over him, she said softly:

“Hurts, doesn't it?”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories ABSOLUTION

When nuns are admitted to Heaven, they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns were lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they were made holy.

“And so,” - said St. Peter, - “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

“Well,” - said the first nun in line, - “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK” - said St. Peter. “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

The next Nun admitted that:

“Well, yes, I did once get carried away and you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK” - says St. Peter, - “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

Suddenly there was some jostling in the line and one of the nuns was trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what's going on here?” - said St. Peter.

“Well, your Excellency,” - said the nun who was trying to improve her position in line, - “if I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”

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Category: Straight from the Hip ASSHOLES

Two Englishmen businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other:

"I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek and in a thick Irish accent asked:

"What might ye be sellin' here?"

One of them replied sarcastically:

"We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said:

"I can see you are doing well .. only two left!"

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