Category: For your Kids

PLACEBO

“I tried to use gum instead of cigarettes.”

“And with what results?”

“None whatsoever. Gum smells like hell when you light up.” 

 

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Category: Naughty Jokes

PEANUTS

A man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, but after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, the daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once they were gone, the mother turned to the father and said:

“That's wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?” The father replied:

“From the smell of his fingers, probably our son-in-law!”

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Category: Modern Fables

I KNOW WHO YOU REALLY ARE

At first I thought of entering the fable that follows below, in the “POLITICAL” category, but then I thought that the personality trait ridiculed in it, namely pretending to be someone other than yourself, is typical of all walks of life, so I put it in 'Modern Fables'.

A young German shepherd dog asked the advice of an elder colleague as to the best way to get ahead in the world. The advice of the elder dog was:

“All you have to do is to feign that you are someone else. You could pretend, for example, that you are a wolf and instantly you would be feared and respected by everybody.”

“How can I pretend being a wolf?”

“It is really very simple. The only difference between dogs and wolves is that when dogs meet, they smell each other’s behinds, whereas wolves merely rub noses. You look exactly like a wolf, so stop behaving like a dog, act like a wolf and everybody will accept that you are one.”

The young dog acted on the advice of the older dog and within a short period made a meteoric career and achieved a high position within society. A few years later, at a cocktail party, he saw from afar his mentor from the old days. He was not an ungrateful type and did not try to avoid him. He went over to the old dog and affectionately rubbed noses with him. The elder one looked him over and said:

“I see that you have come up in the world, but with me you don’t have to pretend. I know who you really are, so you can go ahead without fear and smell my ass.”

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