Category: Naughty Jokes

MIND OVER MATTER

A well-dressed lady entered a lingerie shop:

“Good day, do you have any sexy lingerie?”

“What did you have on your mind, concretely?”

“Concretely, copulating is on my mind, but just now I would like to buy some underwear.” 

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Category: Doctors and Patients

TEMPTING JOB

A bloke came into the Job Centre in Edinburgh and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he wanted to learn more.

 "Can you give me some more details about this?" - he asked the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre oppo sorted through his files & replied:

"Oh yes, here it is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There's an annual salary of £45,000 but you're going to have to go to Glasgow."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No, that's the end of the queue."

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Category: Women's Lib

KNOWS HER MIND

A good-looking middle-aged woman entered a lingerie shop.

“I would like to buy some underwear.”

“Did you have anything specific in mind?”

“Specifically I have screwing on my mind, but just now I would like to buy some undies.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

HEADACHES

The doctor said:

"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought:

"That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman:

"I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said:

"Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed:

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked:

"How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said:

"Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said:

"Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised:

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked:

"How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said:

"Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said:

"Let's see...9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished:

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:

"How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said:

"Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said:

"Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed:

"Ah ha, got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head:

"You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

ALWAYS get a second opinion...

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

FAIR SAMPLE

A senior citizen went in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor entered the examination room he said:
"I will need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turned to his wife and asked:
"What did he say?"
The wife yelled back to him:
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

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Category: Ethnic Stories

GOLF

A British couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple were at the links ready to tee off. The Brit's wife stepped up to the tee and as she bent over to place the ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.
"Allo! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" - her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!"
The Brit immediately reached into his pocket and said:
"For the sake of St. Paul, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blew up to show that she was wearing no undies.
"Bejesus woman! You've no knickers! Why not?"
She replied:
"I can't afford any on the money you give me!"
He reached into his pocket and said:
"For the sake of St. Patrick, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she too was naked under it.
"Hoot mon woman! Why d'ye have nae knickers?"
She too explained:
"You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!"
The Scot reached into his pocket and said:
"For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit."

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Category: Naughty Jokes THE FABULOUS FINKELSTEIN

Mr. Cohen, who lived in a small town, noticed in the paper that the world famous Ringling circus, featuring the fabulous Finkelstein, came to town. He bought a ticket and went to see the show. Performer after performer, until finally, preceded by trumpeters, the fabulous Finkelstein, a small red-haired guy, came on. He placed three large sized walnuts on a table, big drum roll, Finkelstein took his penis out of his pants, took a whack and boom-boom-boom, the three walnuts were broken. Huge ovation, the ladies threw flowers to him, etc. etc. and the show was over.

Five years later Mr. Cohen read in the paper that the Ringling circus, featuring the fabulous Finkelstein. is in town again. Again he went to see the show and hardly waited to see the famous performer. Finally the fabulous Finkelstein showed up, huge ovation, yelling, applause, etc. He placed three big coconuts on the table, took out his penis, took a whack and boom-boom-boom all the three coconuts were broken to small pieces. Unbelievable ovation, flowers, ladies threw their underwear, etc. Mr. Cohen went back-stage to the fabulous Finkelstein's dressing room and said:

“Maestro, I saw your fantastic performance five years ago and now again and was absolutely overwhelmed that it has actually improved. If I may humbly ask, why did you choose a more difficult task, using coconuts instead of walnuts?”

The fabulous Finkelstein quietly replied:

“Unfortunately, I had to. You see, my eyes are not the same as five years ago!”

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Category: Marital Bliss

NOW SHE HAS NO CHOICE

Undressing at the swimming pool, a woman noticed her friend wearing men’s underwear.

“Since when do you wear boxer shorts?” – she asked.

“Since my husband found them in the glove compartment of my car.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

TO EACH IN ACCORDANCE WITH HER NEEDS

For the first time in her life a countrywoman visited the big city and as she needed some underwear, her friend took her to a big department store.

“If you buy a pack of panties, you can get a better deal, Madam” - said the seller. “What kind would you prefer? A pack of seven, five, or twelve?”

“What is the best?” - whispered the woman to her friend.

“For everyday use, I would suggest a pack of seven. The undies are marked ‘Sunday’, ‘Monday’, etc.”

“And what is the purpose of the five-pack?”

“These are for French women. You know, on weekends they go without.”

“And the pack of twelve?”

“Oh, these? These are for the Poles. They are inscribed ‘January’, ‘February’, etc.”

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Category: At the Card Table POKER

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn't help but notice that Bill's wife Sue's, legs were spread wide and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked:

"Did you see anything you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said:

"Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicated that he was indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 pm sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly:

“Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

A little worried, Bill's wife answered:

"Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked:

"And did he give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering up her best poker face, replied:

"Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying:

"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

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Category: Army Stories THE CHANGE

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announced:

“I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. You're going to change your underwear.”

The troops started cheering at the news.

“Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy.....”

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Category: Ethnic Stories TO EACH IN ACCORDANCE HER NEEDS

For the first time in her life a countrywoman visited the big city and as she needed some underwear, her friend took her to a big department store.

“If you buy a pack of panties, you can get a better deal, Madam” - said the seller. “What kind would you prefer? A pack of seven, five, or twelve?”

“What is the best?” - whispered the woman to her friend.

“For everyday use, I would suggest a pack of seven. The undies are marked ‘Sunday’, ‘Monday’, etc.”

“And what is the purpose of the five-pack?”

“These are for French women. You know, on weekends they go without.”

“And the pack of twelve?”

“Oh, these? These are for the Poles. They are inscribed ‘January’, ‘February’, etc.”

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Category: Women's Lib KNOWS HER MIND

A good-looking middle-aged woman entered a lingerie shop.

“I would like to buy some underwear.”

“Did you have anything specific in mind?”

“Specifically I had screwing on my mind, but just now I would like to buy some undies.”

Custom Search