Category: Lawyers

DIVORCE ATTORNEY

A father walked into a bookstore with his young son. The boy was holding a penny. Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy has swallowed the quarter and started panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit was sitting at a coffee bar in the store reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper, placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the penny, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman handed the coin to the father and walked back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he was sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying:

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No", - the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

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Category: Doctors and Patients
BEHIND THE MASK

A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appeared to give him a partial sponge bath.  

"Nurse", - he mumbled, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied:

"I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggled to ask again:

"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that something might happen to him from worry about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.  She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she took a close look and said:

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly:

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......  A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

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Category: Doctors and Patients

HEADACHES

The doctor said:

"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought:

"That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman:

"I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said:

"Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed:

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked:

"How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said:

"Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said:

"Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised:

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked:

"How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said:

"Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said:

"Let's see...9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished:

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:

"How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said:

"Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said:

"Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed:

"Ah ha, got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head:

"You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

ALWAYS get a second opinion...

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Category: Ethnic Stories

UNITED JEWISH APPEAL

 

A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in old one-dollar bills.

“Excuse me, sir” - he asked the old gentleman, - “where did you get all this money?”
“Vell, I'll tell you,” - the old man began, - “for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls where the men were peeing and I said... ‘Give me a dollar for Israel, or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife!’”
“That's quite a story,” - the customs agent said, - “what's in the second suitcase?”
“Vell, you know,” - said the old Jewish man shaking his head, - “not every one likes to give to Israel!”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

MUTUAL TRUST

The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual “This won't hurt a bit” routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm.
“Miss,” – he said in a barely audible whisper, – “you have got hold of my testicles!”
“Yes doc, I know,” – she smiled sweetly – “and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?”

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Category: Marital Bliss

BERIBBONED

A couple had a dog that snored. When the woman complained to the vet, he advised her to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

“Yeah right!” – she said.

That night, the husband was out late with his buddies. A few minutes after the wife went to bed, the dog began snoring as usual. The woman tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she went to the closet, grabbed a piece of ribbon and tied it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring. The woman was amazed!

The husband came home late, more than a little tipsy, climbed immediately into bed, fell asleep and began snoring loudly. His wife, again unable to sleep, thought that maybe the ribbon would do the trick on him too. So she went to the closet once again, grabbed a piece of ribbon and tied it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly it also worked on him! At last she could sleep soundly.

The husband awakened from his drunken stupor and stumbled into the bathroom. As he stood in front of the toilet, he glanced in the mirror and saw a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He felt very confused and as he walked back into the bedroom, he saw red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shook his head, looked at the dog and said:

“I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by God, we got first and second places.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients MUTUAL TRUST

The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual “This won't hurt a bit” routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm.

“Miss,” – he said in a barely audible whisper, – “you have got hold of my testicles!”

“Yes doc, I know,” – she smiled sweetly – “and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?”

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Category: At Work GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES A guy went to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him: "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," - he said. "I was in Viet Nam for three years." The interviewer said: "That will give you extra points toward employment". Then he asked: "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy said: "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer told the guy: "O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 9:00 A. M. The guy was puzzled and said: "If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. then why do you want me to come in at 9:00 A. M?" "This is a government job," - the interviewer replied. "For the first hour we just sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that.” If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

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