Category: Lawyers

DIVORCE ATTORNEY

A father walked into a bookstore with his young son. The boy was holding a penny. Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy has swallowed the quarter and started panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit was sitting at a coffee bar in the store reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper, placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the penny, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman handed the coin to the father and walked back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he was sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying:

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No", - the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

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Category: Tax Matters

MUSCLE MAN

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $100 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money. Many people (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit and said in a tiny, squeaky voice:

“I'd like to try the bet.”   

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man, but the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $100 and asked the little man:

“What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied:

“I work for the IRS.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

 SAY AGAIN

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, “The Cambridge Distorter” told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies. One of the twins was hard of hearing, but the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one asked of her twin:

“WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“He said, that WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”  – said the other.
“Now get a little closer together” – said the cameraman.
Again:
“WHAT DID HE SAY?” 
“HE SAYS, SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.”
So they wiggled up close to each other.
“Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little”, – said the photographer.
Yet again:
“WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!”
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out:
“OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?”

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