Category: From the Mouths of Babes

AUCTION

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked:

"Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied:

"Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy".

Johnny, looking worried, said:

"Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

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Category: Blondes

HEALTH RISK

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread!"

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Category: Boys and Girls

FOXY GIRL

In a train compartment, there were three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers joined in conversation, which very soon turned to the erotic. The young girl had a suggestion:
“If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs.”
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pulled a buck out of their wallet. The girl pulled up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she said:
“If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs.”
The men being what they are, all took out a ten-dollar bill. The girl then pulled up her dress all the way to her legs in full. The conversation continued and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Now the young girl said:
“If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”

All three forked over the money. The girl then turned to the window and pointed outside at a building they were passing.

“See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!”

 

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Category: Naughty Jokes

SMALL CHANGE

In a pouring rain a taxicab was parked at a deserted street corner when the door opened suddenly and a totally naked woman plunked her wet body down onto the rear seat. She stated her destination, but the cabby just sat there staring at her dumbly in his rearview mirror.

“What's matter?” - asked the woman. “Why don't you start?”

“I was asking myself how you are going to pay the fare?”

In reply, the woman just spread her legs suggestively. The driver asked:

“Got any smaller bills?”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

THE KEY TO HEAVEN

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” - said the young nun dreamily. “I've been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” - asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” - said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued:

“And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” - said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

CURE-ALL

A young couple sat on a bench in the park. All at once the girl spoke up:

“My mouth is tingling. Maybe a kiss would help.”

The boy kissed her and the girl snuggled to his chest happily. A little later she said:

“I have a funny prickling feeling in my breasts. Would a kiss make it go away?”

The boy kissed them too and some more time passed. Then the girl said:

“Now I’ve got a bad itch between my legs. Can you do something about that too?”

Obediently the boy applied his mouth to the said part. Suddenly a voice was heard from the bushes:

“Young man, do you cure piles too?”

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Category: At the Card Table POKER

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn't help but notice that Bill's wife Sue's, legs were spread wide and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked:

"Did you see anything you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said:

"Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicated that he was indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 pm sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly:

“Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

A little worried, Bill's wife answered:

"Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked:

"And did he give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering up her best poker face, replied:

"Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying:

"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

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Category: Naughty Jokes SMALL CHANGE

In a pouring rain a taxicab was parked at a deserted street corner when the door opened suddenly and a totally naked woman plunked her wet body down onto the rear seat. She stated her destination, but the cabby just sat there staring at her dumbly in his rearview mirror.

“What's matter?” - asked the woman. “Why don't you start?”

“I was asking myself how you are going to pay the fare?”

In reply, the woman just spread her legs suggestively. The driver asked:

“Got any smaller bills?”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Naughty Jokes

CAUTIOUS GUY

It happened in the Garden of Eden:

God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and took one of his ribs. From the rib, he made a woman and brought her unto the man. They were both naked, the man and his wife and were not ashamed. Adam called his wife's name Eve.

Eve asked Adam what he did about entertainment before she came on the scene. Adam shrugged and showed her a hole in the trunk of a nearby tree, located at just about the right height for him to thrust his desires away. Smiling, Eve said:

“Well, I have news for you. I’m fully equipped to take care of those needs.”

She lay down on her back and opened her legs. Adam, eyes wide open, took a good look and then kicked her right between her legs as hard as he could. Eve cried out with pain:

“And what was that for?” - she asked with tears in her eyes. Replied Adam:

“Oh, just driving off the squirrels.”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Ecumenical Stories THE KEY TO HEAVEN

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” - said the young nun dreamily. “I've been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” - asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” - said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued:

“And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” - said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Boys & Girls FOXY GIRL

In a train compartment, there were three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers joined in conversation, which very soon turned to the erotic. The young girl had a suggestion:

“If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs.”

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pulled a buck out of their wallet. The girl pulled up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she said:

“If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs.”

The men being what they are, all took out a ten-dollar bill. The girl then pulled up her dress all the way to her legs in full. The conversation continued and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Now the young girl said:

“If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”

All three forked over the money. The girl then turned to the window and pointed outside at a building they were passing.

“See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!”

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