Category: Ethnic

BUTT EXPERT

 

 

Trust the Chinese to have his wits when he's surrounded by such racists.

A Chinese immigrant went hunting one day in Ontario, Canada and bagged three ducks. He put them in the back of his pickup truck and was about to drive home, when he was confronted by a game warden who didn’t like Chinese.

The game warden ordered the Chinese to show his hunting license and the man pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt and said:

”This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec hunting license, boy?”

The Chinese reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its but and said:

 “This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?”

 The Chinese reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt and said:

“This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia hunting license?”

Again the Chinese reached into his wallet keeping calm and patience and brought out a Nova Scotia license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point and yelled at the Chinese:

“Just where the hell are you from?”

The Chinese smiled, turned around, bent over, dropped his pants showing his butt and said:

”You tell me, you are the expert.” 

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Category: Male Chauvinists

QUID FOR QUO

One morning while she was making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said:

“You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle”.

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought better and didn't reply. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said:

“You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra”.

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place, she said:

“You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your brother”.

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Category: C'est la Vie!

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

A guy went to the supermarket and noticed an attractive woman waving at him. She said hello. He was rather taken back, because he couldn't place where he knew her from. So he said:

"Do you know me?"

To which she replied:

"I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind traveled back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and said:

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looked into his eyes and said calmly:

"No, I' m your son's teacher"

 

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Category: Marital Bliss 

GOLFING ACCIDENT

A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruise, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," - said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" - asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife:

"Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that!"

   

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Category: From The Mouths of Babes 

YOUNG ASSISTANT

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother pushed and pushed and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded:

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. You should smack his butt again."

   

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Category: Marital Bliss

GOLFING ACCIDENT

A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruise, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," - said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" - asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife:

"Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that!"

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Category: Naughty Jokes

EXCELLENT HEARING

A man rented an apartment in New York and went to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady wearing a robe came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes. The new lodger smiled at the young girl and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was quite obvious that she had nothing on under the robe. The poor man broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said:

“Let's go into my apartment, I hear someone coming...”

He followed her into the apartment and after she closed the door she leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall open completely. She purred at him:

“What would you say is my best feature?”

The flustered, embarrassed man stammered, cleared his throat several times and finally squeaked out:

“Oh, it's got to be your ears!”

The girl was astounded:

“Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don't sag and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm, doesn't sag and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”

Clearing his throat once again, the man stammered:

“Outside when you said you heard someone coming – that was me!”

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