Category: On the Farm

POLYGLOT

The guest at the outlying homestead presented himself as a famous sorcerer who understands the language of animals. The farmer was dubious, so he took the man out to the farmyard and asked him to prove his statement. Just then the cow mewed.

“So what has my cow ‘said’?” – asked the farmer.

“It said, that it hasn’t been milked today and its udder is almost bursting.”

“That’s right,” – said the farmer – “I forgot to milk the poor beast today.”

But still he was unconvinced. At that moment the horse neighed.

“And what was it that my horse said?” – queried the farmer.

“That it has a splinter in its hoof and it’s in great pain.”  

The farmer examined the horse’s hoof and removed a great splinter from it. Now he no longer doubted that the magician really understands the language of the animals. Suddenly the bleating of the goat was heard.

“Don’t you go and believe a word of what it says!” – shouted the farmer in alarm.

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Category: Marital Bliss 

GOLFING ACCIDENT

A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruise, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," - said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" - asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife:

"Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that!"

   

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes 

SURPRISE

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred. So he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. After a while, the boy came into the room where his father was talking with some friends. 

“Say, Pop,” - said the boy, - “the bull just fucked the brown cow”.

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said, ‘Excuse me’ and took his son outside. 

“Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go, watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow”.

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said:

“Hey, Pop.”

“Yes, Son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?”

“He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!”

   

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Category: On the Farm

IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD

A tourist group visited a model dairy farm, renowned for its advanced systems. The agronomist showed them around and when they reached the cow-shed, proudly introduced their mighty bull:
“This is our multi-decorated prize-bull. He performs his duties twice daily and has sired many fine, high yield cows...”
“Did you hear that Fritz,” – said one of a the ladies – “that bull does it twice a day!”
“Yea,” – replied her husband nonchalantly – “but with a different cow each time.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

EXCELLENT ADVICE

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Scotland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried to give her some warm milk, but she initially refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Scotch whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," - the nuns asked with earnest, - "please give us some wisdom before you go to the Lord."
She raised herself in bed and with a pious look on her face said:
"Don't sell that cow."

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Category: On the Farm DO IT YOURSELF

In Eastern European anecdotes, Aristid and Tasilo are the names of two characters, personifying typical pre-World War II noblemen – foolish, lazy and conceited, of no use to the society.

Aristid and Tasilo owned a cattle-farm. They made a nice living selling milk, producing dairy products and selling male calves for meat. One day, during a big fire, their stable burned down and all their cattle perished. Aristid became very dejected.

“What are we going to do?” - he wailed. “Where will our livelihood come from?”

“Don’t worry,” - consoled him Tasilo. “A small shed, with one calf, was not destroyed. We shall take the calf to be bred, it will have calves, which in turn will be inseminated and soon enough we will have a big herd.”

Aristid perked up a little. They took the calf to the village and asked one of the peasants:

“How much do you charge for having your bull mount our heifer.”

“Just $200,” - replied the peasant.

“Don’t you think that it is too much?” - asked Tasilo.

The owner of the bull retorted angrily:

“If you don’t like the price, maybe you should do it yourself.”

Both Aristid and Tasilo found this to be a capital idea. They returned to their farm and threw a coin to decide who will perform the deed. It turned out, that Tasilo was the man. He took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and entered the shed. For a while only muffled bangs, crashes and clangs were heard from the inside and then Tasilo reemerged, breathing heavily, with torn clothing and bleeding from several scratches.

“What on Earth happened to you?” - asked Aristid in astonishment.

“Do you know how difficult it is to flip a cow on its back?”

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Category: On the Farm POLYGLOT The guest at the outlying homestead presented himself as a famous sorcerer who understands the language of animals. The farmer was dubious, so he took the man out to the farmyard and asked him to prove his statement. Just then the cow mewed. “So what has my cow ‘said’?” – asked the farmer. “It said, that it hasn’t been milked today and its udder is almost bursting.” “That’s right,” – said the farmer – “I forgot to milk the poor beast today.” But still he was unconvinced. At that moment the horse neighed. “And what was it that my horse said?” – queried the farmer. “That it has a splinter in its hoof and it’s in great pain.” The farmer examined the horse’s hoof and removed a great splinter from it. Now he no longer doubted that the magician really understands the language of the animals. Suddenly the bleating of the goat was heard. “Don’t you go and believe a word of what it says!” – shouted the farmer in alarm.

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