Category: From the Mouths of Babes 

SURPRISE

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred. So he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. After a while, the boy came into the room where his father was talking with some friends. 

“Say, Pop,” - said the boy, - “the bull just fucked the brown cow”.

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said, ‘Excuse me’ and took his son outside. 

“Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go, watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow”.

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said:

“Hey, Pop.”

“Yes, Son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?”

“He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!”

   

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Category: On the Farm

ON THE ROAD

On a deserted country road, a student stopped a farmer in a horse-drawn buggy:
“Tell me please, is it far to the nearest town?”
“Not very far.”
“Can you give me a lift?”
“Sure.”
The buggy advanced in its slow way along the bumpy road. An hour passed then another couple of hours. The student nodded off and when he woke up, they still were in the middle of nowhere. Finally he spoke up:
“Tell me, is it still far to the town?”
“It sure is now.”

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Category: Airline Stories

A CONVINCING ARGUMENT

On a flight out of one of the Eastern European countries, a farmer got on the airplane. He put his bundle of belongings on one seat, his cane and hat on the other and deposited his ample behind on a third seat. The stewardess asked him to move his baggage to the overhead bin or under his seat and tried to assist him with the task, but the man just glared at her fiercely and she desisted.

One of the passengers noticed her problem and offered assistance.

“I know these people,” - he said. He went over to the man, whispered in his ear and after a short while, the farmer got up and moved his things off the two seats. The stewardess was very thankful to the helpful passenger, but wanted to know:

“What did you tell him that made him move his gear so readily?”

“I explained to him that these seats are flying to a different destination.” 

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Category: The Establishment THE CARD

A Department of Water representative stopped at an outer Brisbane farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer:

“I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.”

The old farmer said:

“OK, but don't go in that field over there.”

The water representative said:

“Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step.

The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...........

“Your card! Your card! Show him your card!”

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Category: Blondes HAI R COLOR

A blonde girl got sick of being called stupid, so she did something about it. She died her hair a really dark brown. Then she thought to herself:

“Now I need someone that I can prove to that I am smart.”

So, she found a sheep farmer and asked him:

“If I can tell you how many sheep you have on your farm, will you give me one?”

The farmer said:

“Sure, there's no way you can guess that.”

So, the girl thought a while, then said:

“You have 356 sheep on your farm.”

“That's amazing!” – the farmer said, – “how could you possibly know that?”

“Us intelligent people just know these things.”

Then she took her sheep and started to load it in her car, when the farmer walked over to her.

“Ma'am, if I can tell you your real hair color, will you give me my dog back?”

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Category: On the Farm POLYGLOT The guest at the outlying homestead presented himself as a famous sorcerer who understands the language of animals. The farmer was dubious, so he took the man out to the farmyard and asked him to prove his statement. Just then the cow mewed. “So what has my cow ‘said’?” – asked the farmer. “It said, that it hasn’t been milked today and its udder is almost bursting.” “That’s right,” – said the farmer – “I forgot to milk the poor beast today.” But still he was unconvinced. At that moment the horse neighed. “And what was it that my horse said?” – queried the farmer. “That it has a splinter in its hoof and it’s in great pain.” The farmer examined the horse’s hoof and removed a great splinter from it. Now he no longer doubted that the magician really understands the language of the animals. Suddenly the bleating of the goat was heard. “Don’t you go and believe a word of what it says!” – shouted the farmer in alarm.

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Category: Airline Stories A CONVINCING ARGUMENT

On a flight out of one of the Eastern European countries, a farmer got on the airplane. He put his bundle of belongings on one seat, his cane and hat on the other and deposited his ample behind on a third seat. The stewardess asked him to move his baggage to the overhead bin or under his seat and tried to assist him with the task, but the man just glared at her fiercely and she desisted.

One of the passengers noticed her problem and offered assistance.

“I know these people,” - he said. He went over to the man, whispered in his ear and after a short while, the farmer got up and moved his things off the two seats. The stewardess was very thankful to the helpful passenger, but wanted to know:

“What did you tell him that made him move his gear so readily?”

“I explained to him that these seats are flying to a different destination.”

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Category: The Establisment THE CARD A Department of Water representative stopped at an outer Brisbane farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer: “I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.” The old farmer said: “OK, but don't go in that field over there.” The water representative said: “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?” The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step. The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...........“Your card! Your card! Show him your card!”

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Category: On the Farm COUP OF GRACE Farmer Joe decided that his injuries from an accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning the farmer: “Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I'm fine’?” - asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded: “Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...” “I didn't ask for any details,” - the lawyer interrupted, - “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident 'I'm fine'?” Farmer Joe said: “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...” The lawyer interrupted again and said: “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact, that at the scene of the accident this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks later he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer: “I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.” Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded: “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said: ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are YOU feeling?’”

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