Category: On the Farm COUNTRY LIFE

When you're from the country, your perception is a little different from the big city person. 

 

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about nine years old, opened the door.

"Is your Dad or Mum home?" - asked the farmer.

"No, they went to town" - said the boy.

"How about your brother Howard. Is he here?" - asked the farmer.

"No, he went with Mum and Dad," - answered the boy.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message," - said the boy.

"Well," - said the farmer uncomfortably, - "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.... It's about Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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Category: On the Farm

WHO'S WHO

A zebra from the big city zoo visited the farm. It was the first time in its life that he was out in the countryside and he was curious about everything. First he visited the barnyard and on seeing a bird-like creature, scratching in the dirt, asked:

“Who are you?”

“I am a hen,” - came the answer.

“And what do you do?”

“I lay eggs.”

Next he reached the stables and encountered a four-legged animal, peacefully chewing some oats.

“Who are you?” - asked the zebra.

“I am a horse.”

“And what do you do?”

“I draw the cart.”

Near the cowshed, penned in a fenced enclosure, the zebra beheld another mighty four-legged animal, glaring furiously out of red-rimmed eyes at the intruder.

“And who might you be?” - asked the frightened visitor.

“I am the bull.”

“And what do you do?”

“Take off your fancy pajamas and I will show you.”

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Category: On the Farm

DO IT YOURSELF

In Eastern European anecdotes, Aristid and Tasilo are the names of two characters, personifying typical pre-World War II noblemen – foolish, lazy and conceited, of no use to the society.

Aristid and Tasilo owned a cattle-farm. They made a nice living selling milk, producing dairy products and selling male calves for meat. One day, during a big fire, their stable burned down and all their cattle perished. Aristid became very dejected.

“What are we going to do?” - he wailed. “Where will our livelihood come from?” 

“Don’t worry,” - consoled him Tasilo. “A small shed, with one calf, was not destroyed. We shall take the calf to be bred, it will have calves, which in turn will be inseminated and soon enough we will have a big herd.”

Aristid perked up a little. They took the calf to the village and asked one of the peasants:

“How much do you charge for having your bull mount our heifer.”

“Just $200,” - replied the peasant.

“Don’t you think that it is too much?” - asked Tasilo.

The owner of the bull retorted angrily:

“If you don’t like the price, maybe you should do it yourself.”

Both Aristid and Tasilo found this to be a capital idea. They returned to their farm and threw a coin to decide who will perform the deed. It turned out, that Tasilo was the man. He took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and entered the shed. For a while only muffled bangs, crashes and clangs were heard from the inside and then Tasilo reemerged, breathing heavily, with torn clothing and bleeding from several scratches.

“What on Earth happened to you?” - asked Aristid in astonishment.

“Do you know how difficult it is to flip a cow on its back?”

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Category: On the Farm

IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD

A tourist group visited a model dairy farm, renowned for its advanced systems. The agronomist showed them around and when they reached the cow-shed, proudly introduced their mighty bull:
“This is our multi-decorated prize-bull. He performs his duties twice daily and has sired many fine, high yield cows...”
“Did you hear that Fritz,” – said one of a the ladies – “that bull does it twice a day!”
“Yea,” – replied her husband nonchalantly – “but with a different cow each time.”

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Category: On The Farm

NO PROBLEM

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in the cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull mounting one of his heifers. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear:
“Mabel, I sure wouldn’t mind doing a bit of that.”
“Well then, why don't you?”– Mabel whispered back. “It is your heifer.”

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Category: At the Restaurant YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME

A tourist in a restaurant in Cordoba decided to try an item prominently displayed on the menu: “Local treat - Bull’s balls.” He found it delicious and told the waiter that he would like to bring his friends with him the next day, so that they too can taste this delicacy. The waiter replied that this particular item is only available on weekends, immediately following the Corrida, which is held on Saturdays.

The tourist came back the next Sunday with his friends and ordered Bull’s Balls for everyone. After a while their order had arrived, but the guest seemed unhappy. He called the waiter over and asked:

“What on earth happened to your portions? The last time the balls were huge, but today they are minuscule.”

“I am sorry, Señor,” - replied the waiter - “this time the bull won.”

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Category: The Establishment THE CARD

A Department of Water representative stopped at an outer Brisbane farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer:

“I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.”

The old farmer said:

“OK, but don't go in that field over there.”

The water representative said:

“Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step.

The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...........

“Your card! Your card! Show him your card!”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: On the Farm WHO'S WHO

A zebra from the big city zoo visited the farm. It was the first time in its life that he was out in the countryside and he was curious about everything. First he visited the barnyard and on seeing a bird-like creature, scratching in the dirt, asked:

“Who are you?”

“I am a hen,” - came the answer.

“And what do you do?”

“I lay eggs.”

Next he reached the stables and encountered a four-legged animal, peacefully chewing some oats.

“Who are you?” - asked the zebra.

“I am a horse.”

“And what do you do?”

“I draw the cart.”

Near the cowshed, penned in a fenced enclosure, the zebra beheld another mighty four-legged animal, glaring furiously out of red-rimmed eyes at the intruder.

“And who might you be?” - asked the frightened visitor.

“I am the bull.”

“And what do you do?”

“Take off your fancy pajamas and I will show you.”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: On the Farm DO IT YOURSELF

In Eastern European anecdotes, Aristid and Tasilo are the names of two characters, personifying typical pre-World War II noblemen – foolish, lazy and conceited, of no use to the society.

Aristid and Tasilo owned a cattle-farm. They made a nice living selling milk, producing dairy products and selling male calves for meat. One day, during a big fire, their stable burned down and all their cattle perished. Aristid became very dejected.

“What are we going to do?” - he wailed. “Where will our livelihood come from?”

“Don’t worry,” - consoled him Tasilo. “A small shed, with one calf, was not destroyed. We shall take the calf to be bred, it will have calves, which in turn will be inseminated and soon enough we will have a big herd.”

Aristid perked up a little. They took the calf to the village and asked one of the peasants:

“How much do you charge for having your bull mount our heifer.”

“Just $200,” - replied the peasant.

“Don’t you think that it is too much?” - asked Tasilo.

The owner of the bull retorted angrily:

“If you don’t like the price, maybe you should do it yourself.”

Both Aristid and Tasilo found this to be a capital idea. They returned to their farm and threw a coin to decide who will perform the deed. It turned out, that Tasilo was the man. He took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and entered the shed. For a while only muffled bangs, crashes and clangs were heard from the inside and then Tasilo reemerged, breathing heavily, with torn clothing and bleeding from several scratches.

“What on Earth happened to you?” - asked Aristid in astonishment.

“Do you know how difficult it is to flip a cow on its back?”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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