Category: Mothers

IMMACULATE CONCEPTION

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters' swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say:

"Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury. She argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became even more enraged and screamed:

"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

HICCUPS CURE

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" - the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 65 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said:

"Does she still have the hiccups?" 

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Category: Sporting World

A TRUE GOLFER

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said:

“Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!”

She looked at the men in the room:

“And gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together --- it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.”

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?”- answered the teacher.

“I was just wondering. Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

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Category: On the Farm COUNTRY LIFE

When you're from the country, your perception is a little different from the big city person. 

 

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about nine years old, opened the door.

"Is your Dad or Mum home?" - asked the farmer.

"No, they went to town" - said the boy.

"How about your brother Howard. Is he here?" - asked the farmer.

"No, he went with Mum and Dad," - answered the boy.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message," - said the boy.

"Well," - said the farmer uncomfortably, - "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.... It's about Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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Category: Gay Liberation Front

TEEN AGE SEX

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

MIRACLE

A woman started dating a doctor. Before too long, she became pregnant, but they did not want the child. About nine months later, just about the time she was going to give birth, a priest came into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor said to the woman:

"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" - she asked.

"It's worth a try," - he said.

So, the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest. After the operation, he went in to the priest and said:

"Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" - asked the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child!"

"But that's impossible!" - said the priest.

"I just did the operation," - insisted the doctor, - "it's a miracle!  Here's your baby!"

 About fifteen years went by and the priest realized he must tell his son the truth. 

One day he sat the boy down and said:

"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The boy said:

"What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replied:

 "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

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Category: Parenting

TRY AGAIN

A twenty-one-year-old girl told her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother went to the drugstore and bought a test kit. The test result showed that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother said:

"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picked up the phone and made a call.  

Half an hour later a Ferrari stopped in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, stepped out of the car and entered the house. He sat in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl and told them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll provide support. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"  

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him:

"Then you try again."

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Category: In the Middle East

LET HER WORRY 

A young German blond lady, bursting with vitality, was touring Israel. She passed by a farm and took a fancy to the two brown-skinned, muscled, well-proportioned Yemenite youths working on the fields. She stopped her car and asked them if there is a place nearby where they can be alone. The young men immediately understood her intentions - after all, even country lads are not made of wood - and took her to a nearby shed. They all undressed, but before any action could be initiated, the girl took a box of prophylactics from her purse and asked:

“Do you know what these are?”

“No, we don’t,” - said both youths in unison.

“You put them on, so I won’t become pregnant.”

They did as told and the rest of the meeting evolved to the mutual satisfaction of all parties involved. The tourist thanked the boys, gave them her card - in case they are ever in Germany - kissed them good-bye and went on her way.

Two days passed. The youths were again busy in the field, when one of them suddenly asked:

“Tell me, would you mind if that blonde shiksa* had any children?”

“No, not at all,” - replied his pal.

“Then let’s take this thing off. I’m dying to have a piss.”  

 

* Shiksa: A Non–Jewish girl, or woman.

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Category: Viagra

OVERKILL

The family physician met Moishe’le on the street. The boy looked quite troubled.

“How are things at home?” - asked the good doctor.

“My folks are divorcing,”- answered Moishe’le.

“For Heavens’ sake why? They seem such a nice couple.”

“I overheard them talking that my father has become impotent.”

“This is not a problem these days, Moishe’le. Take these pills and give your Dad one each every three days.”

Moishe’le hurried home gratefully. He tried to memorize the exact dosage and kept repeating to himself - 'one pill every three days, one pill every three days,' - but then he stumbled and got confused, - 'three pills every day, three pills every day.'

Two weeks later the doctor ran into Moishe’le again. The boy looked noticeably thinner and was even more troubled.

“My God, Moishe’le what happened? And how is your Dad?”

“Don’t even ask! My mother is dead, my sister is pregnant, my behind feels sore and the dog won’t dare return home.”

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Category: Male Chauvinists

BRIEF ONES

¬ Question:

“What do you say to a woman with two shiners?”

Answer:

“Nothing. You already told it to her twice.”

¬ Question:

“What is the basic difference between man and woman?”

Answer:

“The man was brought down from the tree by evolution, whereas the woman by gravity.”

¬ Question:

“What is the advantage of being pregnant?”

Answer:

“The swinging door does not hit you on the nose.”

   

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Category: Indians

MATHEMATICALLY MINDED

In the Mohawk tribe, three pregnant women gave birth on the same day. The one who slept on horsehide gave birth to a boy; the second who slept on buffalo hide gave birth to a girl and the third who slept on a mattress made of hippopotamus hide, had twins. The young chief, who has just majored in math, described the event as follows:

“The squaw of hippopotamus is equal to the sum of squaws of the other two hides.”

   

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

WHO'S CALLING?

An 80-year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn’t feeling well and went to her doctor. The doctor examined her and said: “Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you’re going to be a mother.”
“Get serious doctor, I’m 80.”
“I know,” - said the doctor. “This morning I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle.”
“I’ll be darned,” - she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.
“Hello,” - she heard his familiar halting voice. She screamed:
“You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!”
There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered:
“Who’s calling please?”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

OLD, NOT FEEBLE

An 80-year-old man went to see his family physician.
“What seems to be the trouble, Uncle Jim?”
“I’m marrying a 20-year-old girl next week. Dear doctor, I know it’s rare at my age, but is it still possible for me to have children?”
“Of course it is possible, just find yourself a young lodger.”
A year later, the doctor met the beaming old geezer walking on the street alongside his young wife who was pushing a huge baby carriage with triplets in it.
“Uncle Jim!” – exclaimed the doctor, – “I’m glad to see that you have succeeded with the babies. And how is your lodger?”
“Don’t mention it! She is pregnant too.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

TEST QUESTION

Question:

“Can you describe the different denominations in the Jewish religion?

Answer:

“At an Orthodox wedding the mother is in a family way, at a Conservative wedding the bride is expecting, whereas at a Reformist wedding, it is the rabbi who is pregnant.”

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Category: Boys and Girls

IMPERCEBTIBLE

At the New Year Eve ball, a young man noticed a ravishing woman and asked her for a dance. The lady looked him over and then uttered devastatingly:

“Did you really think I would dance with a child?”

The young man apologized:

“Excuse me Madam, I really didn’t know you were pregnant.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

PURE COINCIDENCE

In the late afternoon hours, a well-dressed lady came into the pub, took a seat at the bar and ordered a triple whisky. The place was almost deserted, so the bartender had time on his hands to satisfy his curiosity. As he brought her the glass, he asked:

“Excuse me for asking, but are you celebrating anything? I mean, it is not every day that a lone lady walks onto the premises and orders a whisky and a triple one at that.”

“Indeed, it is a special occasion and I don’t mind telling you about it,” - replied the woman. “For many years I have been trying to get pregnant and have had no success. I am just returning from my gynecologist who told me that I am pregnant at last.”

The barman congratulated his customer and went back to his work. Not long afterwards a man looking like a farmer, came into the pub, found a place at the bar and ordered a large whisky. The bartender, being a curious man, asked the farmer, if he is celebrating anything.

“Of course I am,” - replied the man. “I make my living from a chicken-farm and during the last year the damn hen would not lay eggs, at least not as many, as they used to.”

“So what did you do?” - asked the bartender again.

“The obvious,” - came the reply. “Changed cocks.”

“What a coincidence!” - muttered the lone woman to herself.

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Category: In the Middle East LET HER WORRY

A young German blond lady, bursting with vitality, was touring Israel. She passed by a farm and took a fancy to the two brown-skinned, muscled, well-proportioned Yemenite youths working on the fields. She stopped her car and asked them if there is a place nearby where they can be alone. The young men immediately understood her intentions - after all, even country lads are not made of wood - and took her to a nearby shed. They all undressed, but before any action could be initiated, the girl took a box of prophylactics from her purse and asked:

“Do you know what these are?”

“No, we don’t,” - said both youths in unison.

“You put them on, so I won’t become pregnant.”

They did as told and the rest of the meeting evolved to the mutual satisfaction of all parties involved. The tourist thanked the boys, gave them her card - in case they are ever in Germany - kissed them good-bye and went on her way.

Two days passed. The youths were again busy in the field, when one of them suddenly asked:

“Tell me, would you mind if that blonde shiksa* had any children?”

“No, not at all,” - replied his pal.

“Then let’s take this thing off. I’m dying to have a piss.”

* Shiksa: A Non–Jewish girl, or woman.

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Category: Old Age Humiliations WHO IS CALLING? An 80-year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn’t feeling well and went to her doctor. The doctor examined her and said: “Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you’re going to be a mother.”

“Get serious doctor, I’m 80.”

“I know,” - said the doctor. “This morning I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle.”

“I’ll be darned,” - she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.

“Hello,” - she heard his familiar halting voice. She screamed:

“You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!”

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered:

“Who’s calling please?”

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Category: Parenting TRY AGAIN

A twenty-one-year-old girl told her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother went to the drugstore and bought a test kit. The test result showed that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother said:

"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picked up the phone and made a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stopped in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, stepped out of the car and entered the house. He sat in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl and told them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll provide support. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him:

"Then you try again."

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Category: Indians MATHEMATICALLY MINDED In the Mohawk tribe, three pregnant women gave birth on the same day. The one who slept on horsehide gave birth to a boy; the second who slept on buffalo hide gave birth to a girl and the third who slept on a mattress made of hippopotamus hide, had twins. The young chief, who has just majored in math, described the event as follows: “The squaw of hippopotamus is equal to the sum of squaws of the other two hides.”

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