Category: Mothers

IMMACULATE CONCEPTION

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters' swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say:

"Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury. She argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became even more enraged and screamed:

"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

HICCUPS CURE

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" - the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 65 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said:

"Does she still have the hiccups?" 

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Category: Computers

GREAT WRITER

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer. When asked to define “great”, he said:

“I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

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Category: Drinking Problem

TALKING CLOCK

     A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

“What's that big brass gong?” - one of the guests asked.

“It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,” - the drunk replied.

 “A talking clock? Seriously?' - asked his astonished friend.  

“Yup,” - replied the drunk.

“How's it work?' - the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” - the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:

“You butt-head! It's three-fifteen in the morning”.

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Category: Parenting

MODEL PARENT

A man pushing a cart, which contained a screaming, bellowing baby was seen in the supermarket. The gentleman kept repeating softly:
“Don't get excited, Albert. Don't scream, Albert. Don’t yell, Albert. Keep calm, Albert.”
A woman standing next to him said:
“You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert.”
The man looked at her and said:
“Lady, I'm Albert.”

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Category: Marital Bliss 

ORGASM

It is said that women have four types of orgasm:
Positive ones, when they scream: “Oh, yes!”
Negative ones, when they shout: “Oh, no!”
Divine ones, when they exclaim: “Oh, God!”
Fake ones: With their husbands.

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Category: Blondes

FAKE REDHEAD

A young redhead came into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible," – said the doctor. "Show me."
She took her finger and pushed her elbow and screamed in agony. She pushed her knee and screamed, pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said:
"You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No," – she said. "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so!" – the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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Category: Blondes FAKE REDHEAD

A young redhead came into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible," – said the doctor. "Show me."

She took her finger and pushed her elbow and screamed in agony. She pushed her knee and screamed, pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said:

"You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," – she said. "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so!" – the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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Category: Drinking Problem DIFFERENT TREATMENT Harry had a bit of a drinking problem Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked:

"Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him:

"It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state:

"I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

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