Category: Marital Bliss

CHAMOMILE TEA

A woman came to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman came back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

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Category: Drinking Problem

TALKING CLOCK

     A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

“What's that big brass gong?” - one of the guests asked.

“It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,” - the drunk replied.

 “A talking clock? Seriously?' - asked his astonished friend.  

“Yup,” - replied the drunk.

“How's it work?' - the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” - the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:

“You butt-head! It's three-fifteen in the morning”.

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Category: Drinking Problem

PAPER JOB

 A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church, sat down in a confession box and said nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replied:

“No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories
NOT DEAF 

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink was driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car weaved violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.

"So," - said the cop to the driver, - where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," - slurred the drunk.

"Well," said the cop, - "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," - the drunk said with a smile.

"Did you know," - said the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, - "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," - sighed the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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Category: Marital Bliss

A REAL TRAGEDY

Two rather drunken men sat at a bar. One of them said:

“Have you heard about the terrible tragedy that happened to Smith?”

“No, I haven’t. What happened to the poor guy?”

“He eloped with my wife.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

HOME, SWEET HOME

John was quite drunk when he at last managed to drag himself out of the pub. Taking his first steps on the dark street, he lurched against a corpulent female. The woman reacted angrily to this sudden onslaught and slapped him mightily. John looked around wonderingly:

“This time I made it home real quick.”

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Category: Drinking problem PAPER JOB

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church, sat down in a confession box and said nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replied:

“No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”

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