Category: Ecumenical Stories

MIRACLE

A woman started dating a doctor. Before too long, she became pregnant, but they did not want the child. About nine months later, just about the time she was going to give birth, a priest came into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor said to the woman:

"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" - she asked.

"It's worth a try," - he said.

So, the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest. After the operation, he went in to the priest and said:

"Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" - asked the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child!"

"But that's impossible!" - said the priest.

"I just did the operation," - insisted the doctor, - "it's a miracle!  Here's your baby!"

 About fifteen years went by and the priest realized he must tell his son the truth. 

One day he sat the boy down and said:

"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The boy said:

"What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replied:

 "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

FATHER

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said:
"I am a Father."
The little boy replied:
"My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered:
"I am the Father of many."
The boy said:
"My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said:
"I am the Father of hundreds" - and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said:
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

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Category: The Absent-Minded Professor

A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY

It was late at night when the professor arrived in the strange town. He took a taxi to the only hotel, but was told that there are no rooms available. Still, the night clerk had a suggestion:
“At what time do you intend to check out?” - he asked.
“Quite early,” - answered the educator. “I have to catch the 6:00 a.m. train.”
“Then I could put you up in Room 201. A priest took the room an hour ago, but he looked so tired, that he is probably fast asleep by now. If you keep quiet, he won’t even notice that someone is sharing the room with him.”
The professor took the room, settled his bill in advance and asked to be awakened at 5 o’clock in the morning. He undressed in darkness and at dawn when the clerk knocked on his door did not switch on the light. In the dark room and in his haste, he put on the priest’s clothes. The porter summoned a taxi for the professor and it was only at the railway station, when he happened to look into a mirror, that he noticed his mistake.
“Look at those fools,”- exclaimed the exasperated professor. “They woke up the priest instead of me!”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

WATER TO WINE

An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for speeding. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He said:
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," - said the priest. The trooper said:
"Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said:
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

THE PRIEST AND THE CHICKEN

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chicken he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he knew cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation:

“Has anybody got a cock?”
All the men stood up.
“No, No,” – he said, – “that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”
All the women stood up.
“No, No,” – he said, – “that wasn't either what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them.”
Half the women stood up.
“No, No,” – he said, – “that again wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?”
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

CONVERSION

A Jew converted and became a priest. He gave his first mass in front of a number of high-ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal went up to congratulate him.

“Pastor Lewis,” – he said, – “that was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time please don't start your sermon with, “Fellow goyim*...”

* Plural of the Hebrew goy, meaning nation, one who is not Jewish, non-Jew.

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Category: Ecumenical Stories CONFESSIONATE LEAVE

The Catholic priest and the rabbi in the small town were the best of friends. After all, they were colleagues. One day when the priest was officiating in the confessional, the wife of one of his old parishioner’s phoned and told him that her husband is dying and is asking for him to be at his bedside. Faced with a problem the priest phoned the rabbi and asked him to come to the church urgently.

When the rabbi arrived, the priest asked him to take over for him for an hour or so. The rabbi was flabbergasted:

“What will your parishioners think of me, a rabbi in a priest’s seat?”

“Nobody will notice. The confessional has a grating, so that the confessors are unable to see the person hearing their confessions,” - answered his colleague.

The Jewish clergyman raised another objection:

“But I don’t even know what to say and do!”

“Just watch me and you will get the hang of it,” - said the minister

The priest entered the confessional and closed the door. Soon a woman in her thirties approached, knelt down and whispered through the grille:

“Father, bless me, for I have sinned!”

“How many times have you sinned, my daughter?” - asked the priest.

“Five times.”

“Then say five ‘Hail Mary’s, sin no more and the merciful God will grant you an absolution.”

The penitent woman rose, crossed herself and left the church. The priest came out and said to the doubtful rabbi:

“You see it is quite simple. Maybe nobody else will even show up today. I promise to be back soon.”

The rabbi entered the confessional, closed the door and waited. For a long while nobody came, but just as the returning priest came in through a side door, he saw a woman kneeling before the confessional. He overheard her saying:

“Father, bless me, for I have sinned.”

“How many times did you sin my daughter?” - asked the Jewish cleric.

“Three times,” - answered the woman.

“Then say five ‘Hail Mary’s and you may sin two more times.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories FACETIOUS

During a seminar break on a very hot day, a minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim. Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they'd left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes. After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied:

“I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients LAST WORDS

An elderly man became very ill and a priest was called out to administer the last sacrament. All the family assembled around the bed, but before the priest could utter a word, the sick man suddenly started to rattle and using sign language asked to be given some paper and a writing utensil. The priest gave him a block of paper and a pen, the man with great effort scribbled something on it and visibly suffering, expired. Reverently, the priest put the paper into an envelope and sealed it. At the funeral, after a touching eulogy praising the virtues of the deceased, the priest said:

“Dear mourners! During his last moments our brother wrote down a few lines, which I would like to read to you now.”

He opened the envelope and started reading:

“Father! You are standing on my oxygen bottle hose!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories PLAYING IT SAFE Two cars collided at an intersection. When the dust settled, a shaken man stepped out of each wreck. One of them was a catholic priest, the other a rabbi. Miraculously none them were more than slightly scratched. Rejoiced the rabbi: “Brother, this was a divine act! We could have been dead now, but here we are safe and sound. This must be a sign from the Almighty that we should become friends.” “Indeed, this must be the will of God!” - agreed the priest. “And look, even this bottle of kosher wine is unbroken. That means we must finish it.” “Right,” - said the priest, took a few healthy slugs from the bottle and returned it to his colleague. But the rabbi just shook his head. “Aren’t you going to drink?” “Maybe it would be better if I waited until the police arrive.”

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Category: Drinking problem PAPER JOB

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church, sat down in a confession box and said nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replied:

“No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”

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Category: Tax Matters ROLL MODEL

An old Catholic priest was dying. He sent a message for his I.R.S. agent and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the old priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed, grasped their hands, sighed contentedly and stared at the ceiling.

For a time no one said anything. Both the I.R.S. agent and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments, but they were puzzled, because the priest had never before given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally the lawyer asked:

“Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?

The old priest mustered up his failing strength, then said weakly:

“Jesus died between two thieves… and that is just how I want to go too”.

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Category: Old Age Humiliations TELLING EVERYBODY

An old man came into confession and said to the priest:

“Father, I'm 80 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, four kids and eleven grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice!”

“Well, my son, are you sorry for your sins?” – asked the priest.

“What sins?”

“What kind of a Catholic are you?

“I'm not Catholic, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“You kidding?”– grinned the geezer. “I'm telling everybody!”

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Category: Mothers BRAGGARTS

Four old college friends were having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman told her friends:

“My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone addresses him 'Father'.”

The second Catholic woman chirped:

“My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'.”

The third Catholic crone said:

“My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'.”

Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women gave her this subtle “Well...?”

So she replied:

“My son is 6' 6”, has plenty of money, broad square shoulders, is terribly handsome, dresses very well, has a tight muscular body, tight hard buns and a very nice bulge. Whenever he walks into a room the women gasp: ‘Oh, my God...'“

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Category: Ecumenical Stories INFALLIBLE SIGN

A man wondered, if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin, because he was not sure if sex was work, or play. He asked a priest for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest said:

“ My son, after an exhaustive research, I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays.”

The man thought:

“Outside of young boys, what does a priest know of sex?”

He went to a minister, a married and experienced man, for the answer. He queried the minister and received the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he sought out the ultimate authority, a man of thousands of year’s tradition and knowledge, a Rabbi. The Rabbi pondered the question and stated:

“My son, sex is definitely play.”

The man replied:

“Rabbi, how can you be so sure, when so many others told me sex is work?!”

The Rabbi spoke softly:

“If sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories VARYING THE DIET

“Father Reilly,” – the mother superior reported, – “I just thought you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent.”

“Oh, good,” – the priest replied. “I was getting quite tired of the Chablis.”

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Category: Absent Minded Professor A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY It was late at night when the professor arrived in the strange town. He took a taxi to the only hotel, but was told that there are no rooms available. Still, the night clerk had a suggestion: “At what time do you intend to check out?” - he asked. “Quite early,” - answered the educator. “I have to catch the 6:00 a.m. train.” “Then I could put you up in Room 201. A priest took the room an hour ago, but he looked so tired, that he is probably fast asleep by now. If you keep quiet, he won’t even notice that someone is sharing the room with him.” The professor took the room, settled his bill in advance and asked to be awakened at 5 o’clock in the morning. He undressed in darkness and at dawn when the clerk knocked on his door did not switch on the light. In the dark room and in his haste, he put on the priest’s clothes. The porter summoned a taxi for the professor and it was only at the railway station, when he happened to look into a mirror, that he noticed his mistake. “Look at those fools,”- exclaimed the exasperated professor. “They woke up the priest instead of me!” If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

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