With her last breath the terminally sick woman asked of her husband:“I want you to give me your word, my dear, that you and my mother will make up and you will walk side-by-side after my coffin at my funeral.”Huffily the husband grumbled:“I promise, I promise, but I must confess, that I will not enjoy this funeral very much.”
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little ol' man looked at the pastor and calmly said:"Well, she's there!"
With her last breath the terminally sick woman asked of her husband:
“I want you to give me your word, my dear, that you and my mother will make up and you will walk side-by-side after my coffin at my funeral.”
Huffily the husband grumbled:
“I promise, I promise, but I must confess, that I will not enjoy this funeral very much.”
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In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
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An elderly man became very ill and a priest was called out to administer the last sacrament. All the family assembled around the bed, but before the priest could utter a word, the sick man suddenly started to rattle and using sign language asked to be given some paper and a writing utensil. The priest gave him a block of paper and a pen, the man with great effort scribbled something on it and visibly suffering, expired. Reverently, the priest put the paper into an envelope and sealed it. At the funeral, after a touching eulogy praising the virtues of the deceased, the priest said:
“Dear mourners! During his last moments our brother wrote down a few lines, which I would like to read to you now.”
He opened the envelope and started reading:
“Father! You are standing on my oxygen bottle hose!”
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One of Green’s horses kicked his mother-in-law and the old lady died of her injuries. Many people came to her funeral, even from the surrounding villages.
“What a crowd!” - wondered Green’s friend, - “was your mother-in-law so well loved?”
“Hell, no, they just want to buy the horse.”
