Category: Blondes

PAINTING THE PORCH

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” - he said. “How much will you charge me?”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded:

“How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband:

“Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house.”

He responded:

“That's a bit cynical, isn't it?”

 The wife replied:

“You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.”

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You're finished already?” - the startled husband asked.

 “Yes, - the blonde replied, - and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

 “And by the way,” - the blonde added,- “it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.”

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Category: Blondes

IN SLOW MOTION

An old, blind cowboy wandered into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He found his way to a bar stool and ordered some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yelled to the waiter:

“Hey, you wanna hear a terrific blonde joke?”

The bar immediately fell absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him said:

“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

        1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

        2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

        3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

        4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

        5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind cowboy thought for a second, shook his head, and muttered:

“No...not, if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”

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Category: Technology/Computers
SEDUCTION SCENE

Another, sport-slanted, variation of the delightful little story published yesterday:

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, saw an unusual speck on the horizon.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” - he thought to himself. As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf came this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approached the stunned guy and asked:

“How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!” - he said.

She reached over, unzipped a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a packet of fresh cigarettes. He took one, lighted it and after taking a long drag and sighed:

“Man, oh man! Is that ever good!”

She then asked him:

“How long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?”

Trembling, he replied:

“Ten years!”

She unzipped the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulled out a flask and gave it to him. The man opened the flask, took a long swig and said:

“Wow, that’s absolutely fantastic!”

The woman then started slowly unzipping the long zipper that ran down the front of her wet suit, looked at him seductively and asked:

“And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replied:

“Oh sweet Lord God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

MISSING WIVES

Bill, age 20, and Sam, age 75, were pushing their carts around Home Depot, when they collided. Sam said to Bill:

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

Bill said:

"That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

Sam said:

"Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

Bill answered:

"Well, she is 24, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

Sam replied:

"Doesn't matter ... let's look for yours."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

LYING

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hung over Bob's arm and listened intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club were all aghast. At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked:
"Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replied:
"Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continued to ask:
"So , how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age" - Bob replied.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiled and said:
"No, I told her I was 90."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

MISSING PERSON

An old man was sitting on a park bench and crying bitterly. A passersby took pity on him and inquired:
“What is the matter Grandpa? Can I help you?”
“Nobody can help me,” – wailed the man.
“Don’t you have a family to go home to?”
“My wife died seven months ago. I found a girl, a 20-year-old blonde looker, to take care of me. She moved into my house, cooks my favorite dishes for me, washes and irons my clothing and has sex with me every night.”
“So why are you crying?” – asked the passersby.
“I forgot where I live.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

NOT COLOR BLIND

There were no facilities at the deserted beach, so the smashing blonde who came for a swim, had to change into her bathing suit in the open. While she tried to do it as discreetly as possible, she noticed that a man, lying nearby sunbathing was actually peeking at her through his half-closed eyelids. Furiously she turned on him:

“Sir, you are no gentleman!”

She received a prompt response:

“And you Madam, are no blonde!”

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

MOMENTARY DIFFICULTY

On their way home from kindergarten, the two tots saw a ravishing blonde on the other side of the street. .

“Look at that dame,” - said one. “Let’s go and screw her.”

“All right,” - replied the other, - “but first we have to find a grown-up to take us across the road.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

FRUSTRATION

The blonde version of the Irish joke published yesterday:

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

“Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said:

“By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming toward her. She took aim and shot, killing the alligator and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. The blonde flipped the alligator on its back and frustrated, shouted out:

“Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!”

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Category: Marital Bliss

A THOUGHTFUL PERSON

The wife welcomed her husband triumphantly:

“I managed to get you some excellent medication against hair-loss, my dear.”

“But sweetie, my hair isn’t falling out.”

“It’s not for you, but for that blonde floozy whose hair I have to brush off your jacket every day.”

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes MOMENTARY DIFFICULTY

On their way home from kindergarten, the two tots saw a ravishing blonde on the other side of the street. .

“Look at that dame,” - said one. “Let’s go and screw her.”

“All right,” - replied the other, - “but first we have to find a grown-up to take us across the road.”

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Category: Marital Bliss TRUTH IS GOLDEN

A red Mercedes cruised by just as a man came out of his office. With a screech of the brakes, the car came to a stop and a smashing blonde leaned out of the window and asked provocatively:

“Hurrying home to the little wife? Why not have a cup of coffee with me?”

It was a tiring day and the man felt that having a coffee with the blonde dreamboat, would noticeably raise his spirits, so he hopped into the car and off they went.

Over coffee, the two had a long talk, until the girl suddenly asked:

“Wouldn’t we be more comfy, if we continued our little chat at my place?”

Indeed, they went to her apartment, had a drink, or two, or three and all of a sudden they were in bed together. Much-much later, the man looked at his watch and exclaimed:

“My God! It is 4 o’clock in the morning. I must rush. My wife is probably going mad with worry.”

“What are you going to tell her?” - asked his bed partner.

“Oh, I don’t know,” - the man scratched his head, - “maybe you have a piece of chalk?”

“Of course I do. After all, I am a teacher.”

The man took the chalk, made some marks on his face and forehead and left. At home, he was confronted by his wife who demanded to know where he had been.

“To tell you the complete, unvarnished truth,” - replied her husband - “just as I left the office, a blonde knockout in a foreign-looking car invited me for a coffee. From the coffee shop we continued to her apartment, had a few drinks and somehow found ourselves between the sheets.”

His wife looked at her spouse quizzically and suddenly burst out laughing:

“Come on, the chalk marks on your face give you away. I can see that you just came from the pool-room!”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Blondes HAI R COLOR

A blonde girl got sick of being called stupid, so she did something about it. She died her hair a really dark brown. Then she thought to herself:

“Now I need someone that I can prove to that I am smart.”

So, she found a sheep farmer and asked him:

“If I can tell you how many sheep you have on your farm, will you give me one?”

The farmer said:

“Sure, there's no way you can guess that.”

So, the girl thought a while, then said:

“You have 356 sheep on your farm.”

“That's amazing!” – the farmer said, – “how could you possibly know that?”

“Us intelligent people just know these things.”

Then she took her sheep and started to load it in her car, when the farmer walked over to her.

“Ma'am, if I can tell you your real hair color, will you give me my dog back?”

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Category: Marital Bliss A THOUGHTFUL PERSON

The wife welcomed her husband triumphantly:

“I managed to get you some excellent medication against hair-loss, my dear.”

“But sweetie, my hair isn’t falling out.”

“It’s not for you, but for that blonde floozy whose hair I have to brush off your jacket every day.”

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Category: Dumb Blondes FRUSTRATION

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

“Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said:

“By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming toward her. She took aim and shot, killing the alligator and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. The blonde flipped the alligator on its back and frustrated, shouted out:

“Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!”

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