Category: Political Jokes

KEY CHARACTER

Rabinovits applied for an exit visa from the Soviet Union. He was ordered to come to the Emigration Office:
“You have a big apartment and a good job. Why do you want to emigrate to Israel?”
“I wouldn’t mind staying, but my wife wants to go.”
“You’re a man. Can’t you change your wife’s mind?”
“I could, but her parents want to leave too.”
“Let them go and you can stay.”
“Regretfully, I’m unable. I’m the only Jew in the family.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

RESPECTFUL GUYS

After almost 60 years of happy marriage, Weiss's wife has passed away and the old man found it difficult to manage on his own. His son's wife was - to say it mildly - not enthusiastic at the idea of her father-of-law moving in with them, so Weiss junior, after a lot of soul searching, convinced his father to move into an old folks' home. As at the only Jewish institution in their town there were absolutely no vacancies, the son decided to put his father into a Christian home. Actually it was a very exclusive establishment, located on top of a hill, surrounded by a spacious park and luxuriously appointed.

The old man adjusted to his surroundings in a relatively short period and seemed to be enjoying the place's multiple facilities. After a few weeks, some friends paid him a visit and asked him how he is getting along in his new home.
“They are quite respectful at this place,” - said old Weiss - “look at that chap with a polo cap over there, for example. He won many a golf tournament in his time and even though he has not touched a club in fifteen years, they still call him 'Champ'. And that guy at the pool, he has worked for forty years as an airline pilot. On account of his shaking hands, he has not been near an airplane in more than ten years, but everybody still addresses him as 'Captain'.”
“And what about you?” - asked the friends.
“Me? I have not touched a woman in five years, but they still call me 'Fucking Jew'.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

WHO IS MINDING THE STORE?

The family was all assembled around the bedside of a dying old Jew. With his eyes closed, his voice feeble, the patriarch asked:

“Is Sara here?”

“Yes, my dear,” - answered his faithful wife. “I am here by your side.”

“And is Abraham here?”

“Yes, Papa,”

“Are Reuven, Tamar and Rivka and little Moses nearby?”

“Yes, Papa, we are,” - replied the children in unison.

Abruptly the old man sat up and with his stern eyes wide open, looked at his loved ones:

“If everybody is here,” - he shouted - “then who the hell is minding the store?”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

IDENTITY PROBLEM

A child went to his father:

“Tell me Daddy, am I a Jew or a Gypsy?”

“Of course you are a Gypsy, son. If I am a Gypsy, you are too.”

The boy reflected a while on his father’s answer, then approached his mother:

“Mummy, am I a Jew or a Gypsy?”

“Of course you are a Jew, darling. If I am a Jew, you are one too. But why are you asking?”

“Because our neighbors have a stunning bike. Now I’m not sure, if I should haggle for it, or just snitch it.”

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Category: Genies, Jinns and Fairies JEWISH GENIE An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He was crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand and discovered that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top and out popped a genie. But this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black capote coat, black hat, side curls, etc. “Well, kid,” - said the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.” “I’m not going to trust you,” said the Arab. “I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!” “What do you have to lose? It looks like you’re a goner anyway!” The Arab thought about this for a minute and decided that the genie was right. “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.” *POOF* The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. “OK, kid, what’s your second wish?” “My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.” *POOF* The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. “OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!” After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab said: “I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women.” *POOF* The Arab was turned into a Tampax. The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there’s going to be a string attached.

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Category: Ecumenical Stories SUFFERING A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was the Head Nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly: “Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?” “Oh, sister,” – chuckled the rabbi, – “I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories IDENTITY PROBLEM A child went to his father: “Tell me Daddy, am I a Jew or a Gypsy?” “Of course you are a Gypsy, son. If I am a Gypsy, you are too.” The boy reflected a while on his father’s answer, then approached his mother: “Mummy, am I a Jew or a Gypsy?” “Of course you are a Jew, darling. If I am a Jew, you are one too. But why are you asking?” “Because our neighbors have a stunning bike. Now I’m not sure, if I should haggle for it, or just snitch it.” If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

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