Category: Business is Business

GOT HIM BY THE...

An elderly lady carrying a soiled lunch bag, walked into the main offices of the Chase Manhattan Bank, went to the nearest teller's window, plunked down the bag and said:

“I wish to make a deposit, but beforehand I'd like to meet with the President of the bank.”

The clerk was about to explain that this was quite impossible, when a quick look showed that there were over a million dollars in cash in the sack! Flabbergasted, he called upstairs to the President's office and explained the situation to his secretary, who relayed it to her boss. The old lady was ushered upstairs into the President’s office and introductions were made. Wondering how this old lady had come by such a tidy sum, the President inquired:

“Are you in the stock market?”

“No.”

“Play the horses then...?”

“No... actually I do wager,....... but I prefer to bet on people.”

“I see,” - said the President.

“As a matter of fact”, - continued the old lady, - “I will wager you $25,000 that by tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock your balls will be square!”

Speculating that he could not possibly lose this bet, the President said:

“I'll have to take you up on that one!”

He and the old lady shook hands and parted company. The President was very careful the rest of the day and to avoid risk, did not go out that evening. Next morning as he was showering, he checked himself and all was as it should be. He went to work humming. At exactly 9 o'clock the old lady was again shown into the President's office, only this time accompanied by a distinguished looking gentleman in an expensive suit. The woman explained:

“This is my attorney. I always bring him along when dealing in large sums.”

The President acknowledged the lawyer and then said:

“Well I hate to tell you this, but I am the same as yesterday only $25,000 richer!”

The old lady asked for proof and in light of the sum involved, the President agreed to drop his trousers to allow the old lady to grasp his scrotum. At this point the attorney started to bang his head against the President's desk with vigor.

“What's wrong with him?” - asked the President.

“Oh him”, - said the woman, - “I bet him $100,000 yesterday that by 9.15 tomorrow I would have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls!”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

BEDDING ORDER

A rich old man proposed to a young woman.

“I will marry you,” – said the woman, – “but I have three conditions:

1. Deposit 1 million dollars in my bank account.

2. Buy me a mansion in Santa Monica, with a swimming pool and a Jacuzzi.”

“Consider it done,” – said the prospective husband. “And what is your third condition?”

3. “I want to have sex every day.”

“All right. Put me down for every second Thursday.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

WITH MONEY IN THE POCKET

For those unfamiliar with the Jewish religion: A religious Jew performs no work, touches no money on holy Sabbath - which starts Friday evening and ends Saturday night, when the first three stars emerge.

Friday evening, a few minutes before the start of the Sabbath, the cantor asked the rabbi:

“Can you lend me 1,000 dollars?”

The rabbi gave him the money and the cantor pocketed it with thanks. Saturday evening, a few minutes after the end of the Sabbath, the cantor returned the loan to the rabbi. The same scene repeated itself every weekend until the rabbi could no longer overcome his curiosity and asked:

“Tell me, why do you ask for a loan every Sabbath? After all, you take the money from me just a few minutes before the start of the Sabbath and return it a few minutes after the Sabbath ends. You have no chance at all to spend it?”

“Haven’t you noticed, that ever since I’m keeping 1,000 dollars in my pocket, I sing much better at the synagogue?”

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