Category: Male Chauvinists

TASTES VARY

An escaped convict, imprisoned for first-degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple that had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible, the husband made his way across the room, his chair in tow, to his voluptuous, young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown and whispered:

“Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him, or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you.”

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the wife hissed:

“Dear, I’m so relieved you feel that way. You’re right, he hasn’t seen a woman in >years, but he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too.”

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Category: Genies, Jinns & Fairies

ALWAYS ON THE CALL

Remember the DDR, the East German Republic? And remember Erich Honneker, the greatly hated leader of this now defunct state? He played an important part in many a joke, recounted with relish, in those not-so-long-ago days in Eastern Europe. 

Shortly before retiring for the night, Brezhnev was having a few drinks of vodka, when suddenly a genie appeared at his bedside. Before the astonished Communist leader could summon his guards, the apparition declared:

“Do not fear mortal! I am here to fulfill three of your wishes.”

Brezhnev did not really believe in spirits, but played along and to test the apparition’s credibility, wished that his bed would turn into a waterbed. Even before he finished speaking, his heavy body was immersed in the soft contours of the latest in waterbed models from California. His second wish was to convert his Kremlin bedroom, into an American-style suite. No sooner was his wish uttered, than it became a reality and he found himself in a luxurious, air conditioned apartment, complete with a well-equipped bar, TV wall, stereo, exercise-bicycle, etc. Brezhnev did not have to think long. His last wish was to have a nubile, voluptuous maiden at his side on the bed. As he saw the curvaceous form, languorously reclining on the pillow next to him, he could not help himself, but sighing out loudly:

“Now all I need is a good schmuck!”

Just as he finished his words, a knock sounded and Erich Honneker appeared at the door:

“Did you call, Boss?”

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

TATTLER

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said:

“Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ....”

The mother held up her hand and said:

“Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me.”

The father came home and the wife told him that she's leaving him.

“But why?” - croaked the husband.

“Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me.”

“Well,” - said little Johnny, - “I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob – remember?”

   

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Category: C'est la Vie

WRONG NUMBER

"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy said:
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief pause:
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl came back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy said:
"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
“No, this is 486-5713.....”
“Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

REAL PROFESSIONALS

One night a man and a woman were both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They started talking and came to realize that they were both doctors. After about an hour, the man said to the woman:
“Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It’ll just be one night of fun.”
The woman doctor agreed. They went back to her place and she took the man to the bedroom. She went to the bathroom and started scrubbing up like she was about to go into the operating room. She scrubbed for a good ten minutes. Finally she returned to the bedroom and they had sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man said to the woman:
“You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, how did you know?”
The man said:
“I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.”
“Oh, that makes sense,” - said the woman. “You’re an anesthesiologist aren’t you?”
“Yeah,” - said the man, a bit surprised. “How did you know?”
“The woman answered:
“Because I didn’t feel a thing.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

MAKING HER POINT

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:

"What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered:

"You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" - was his incredulous reply.

She answered: "Well, today I didn't do it."

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Category: C'est la Vie USE AS NEEDED

A man dressed in a suit came up to the front porch of a house juggling a clipboard, some papers and a briefcase. He knocked on the door and a middle-aged man answered it:

“Mornin' stranger, what can I do for you?”

“Well sir, we are paid by private companies to canvas consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?”

“I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt. Fire away young man.” - said the homeowner. Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asked:

“Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?”

“Yes sir, for as long as I can remember.”

“Great, now what exactly do you use it for?” - said the survey-taker, pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

“Let's see, .....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips and sex.”

The well-dressed man stopped writing abruptly. He looked around, leant forward and in a low voice said:

“We pride ourselves on being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?”

“No problem,” – the homeowner replied, whispering too, – “we put it on our bedroom doorknob.”

The survey-taker got a strange look on his face and took a step backwards before the homeowner continued: “It keeps the kids out.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients REAL PROFESSIONALS

One night a man and a woman were both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They started talking and came to realize that they were both doctors. After about an hour, the man said to0the woman:

“Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It’ll just be one night of fun.”

The woman doctor agreed. They went back to her place and she took the man to the bedroom. She went to the bathroom and started scrubbing up like she was about to go into the operating room. She scrubbed for a good ten minutes. Finally she returned to the bedroom and they had sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man said to the woman:

“You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, how did you know?”

The man said:

“I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” - said the woman. “You’re an anesthesiologist aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” - said the man, a bit surprised. “How did you know?”

“The woman answered:

“Because I didn’t feel a thing.”

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Category: Blondes IT'S A GUY THIS TIME!

A blonde guy got home early from work and heard strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What's going on here?” – he asked.

“I'm having a heart attack,” – cried the woman. He rushed downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he was dialing, his 4-year old son came up and said:

“Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes on!”

The guy slammed the phone down and stormed upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and ripped open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there was his best pal, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

“You IDIOT!!!” – shouted the husband, – “my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!”

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