Category: Doctors and Patients
MAECENAS

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

“I have good news and bad news,” – the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” – the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”

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Category: Ethnic Jokes

PRAYING PROHIBITION

The approach of the High Holidays has a funny effect on people. The conscience of many an infidel, who usually does not frequent religious services, sounds an alarm bell and tells him, that the only way he can avoid heavenly retribution for his sins is to go to the synagogue. The pressure on the temple management is so great that seats have to be numbered and tickets sold weeks in advance.

On the Jewish New Year, a man came to the entrance of the synagogue, but was stopped by the usher who demanded to see his entrance-ticket.
“But I just want to speak to Schwarcz for a while,” - protested the man.
“Nothing doing! Today, nobody can go in without a ticket.”
“It’s a matter of life and death. Please let me in. I promise I'll only be five minutes.”
At last the attendant relented:
“All right. I shall let you pop in for just five minutes, but you can rest assured that I shall throw you out on your ear if I catch you saying even one word of prayer!”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

A HARDENED CRIMINAL

A Ukrainian accused of murder and armed robbery was brought before an investigating judge. As he didn’t speak English, the court appointed an interpreter for him. A transcript from the investigation:

Judge: “Do you confess to murdering the victim?”

Interpreter: (in Ukrainian) “Do you confess to murdering the victim?”

Accused: “Yes, I do.”

Interpreter: “Yes, I do.”

Judge: “And where did you hide the loot?”

Interpreter: “And where did you hide the loot?”

Accused: “That is my secret.”

Interpreter: “That is my secret.”

Judge: “I must warn you, that the maximum penalty for murder is death and unless you fully confess, the court can show you no leniency.”

Interpreter: “I must warn you, that the maximum penalty for murder is death and unless you fully confess, the court can show you no leniency.”

Accused: “I buried it in the church yard.”

Interpreter: “I prefer to die.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliation

FOR THE POSTERITY

When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered than a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly: "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow:

"I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for the posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

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Category: Marital Bliss TOTAL COMMITMENT

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These positions are hard to fill and a lot of testing and background checks are involved before one can even be considered for the position. After background checks, training and testing, the possible choices have been narrowed down to two men and a woman. The day came for the final test, to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test, took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances”, – they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man got a shocked look on his face and said:

“You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!”

“Well,” - said the CIA men, – “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” – they explained. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes and then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.

“I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No,” – the CIA men replied. “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.

“We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for minutes and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said:

“You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”

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