Category: Old Age Humiliations 

JEWISH SONGS

Mrs. Cohen, aged 84, and Mrs. Murphy, aged 85, were lifelong friends, but because each was also a bit old-fashioned, each chose to go to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long, however, before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said:
“Don't be holding back Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?”
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, Mrs. Cohen said:
“But the best thing of all is...now I have a boyfriend!”
Mrs. Murphy said:
“Saints be praised, now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it!”
Mrs. Cohen said:
“Well...after lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then on the bottom and then we sing Jewish songs. Oy, it's wonderful!”
Mrs. Murphy said:
“For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen!”
Mrs. Cohen said:
“And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy? You must tell me!”
Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said:
“Good for you! So what do you do, you and the new boyfriend?”
Mrs. Murphy smiled and said:
“We go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top and then I let him touch me down below...”
Mrs. Cohen said:
“Yes, and then....?”
Mrs. Murphy said:
“Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck!”

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Category: From The Mouths Of Babes

INSTRUCTIONS ARE ATTACHED

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother:
“There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”
“How did you know that?” - his mother asked.
“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” - he replied. “I think it's printed on the bottom.”

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Category: Airline Stories

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT

On the new Boeing aircraft great emphasis was given to passenger comfort. One of the interesting innovations was, that there were separate washrooms for ladies and gentlemen. During the airplane’s maiden flight, one of the passengers had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the male lavatories, but found them to be occupied. A stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps and had pain and anxiety written all over his face. The girl took pity on the visibly suffering passenger and though expressly forbidden to do so, let him use one of the female washrooms. She warned him not to touch any of the buttons on the wall installed for the ladies’ convenience. The man was about to pop and would have promised anything, just to get into one of these small cubicles.

The relief was pure joy and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: “WW”, “WA”, and “PP” and there was one red button labeled “ATR”. Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the “WW” button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. A good feeling came over him. The male lavatory didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the “WA” button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.

He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped and without hesitation pressed the “PP” button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies’ toilet was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure. He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He pressed the button and came to in the hospital. He did not remember a thing, but saw that he was bandaged around his midriff. The nurse staring down at him with a smirk on her face would not answer his questions and all the doctor was ready to tell him was that he was no longer a man. Only when a remorseful airline executive showed up with a huge bouquet of flowers, did he learn of the reason for his debilitating injury.

“Would somebody tell me what happened? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies lavatory!!!” - asked the man furiously.

“You pushed one too many button,” - replied the embarrassed executive. “That last button marked “ATR” is an Automatic Tampax Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

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