Category: Marital Bliss

LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed, was actually a lie detector.

 It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school.  Tommy was over 2 hours late.  

“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” - asked John.  

“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project” - said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

 “Son,” - said John, “this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school?”

“We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie” - said Tommy.  

“What did you watch?” - asked Marsha. 

“The Ten Commandments” - answered Tommy.  

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said:

“I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”

“I am ashamed of you son,” - said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”

 The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said:

“Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You cannot be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”

With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

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Category: At the Court-of-Law

JUDGE NOT...

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked:

“Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded:

“Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot, when you haven’t the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked:

“Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”

She replied:

“Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace:

“If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

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