Category: Marital Bliss

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

There were several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rang. A man picked it up and the following conversation ensued:

“Hello?”

“Honey, It's me.”

“Sugar!”

“Are you at the club?”

“Yes.”

“Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

“What's the price?”

“Only $1,500.00”

“Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much.”

“Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2011 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...”

“What price did he quote you?”

“Only $60,000.”

“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

“Great! But before we hang up, something else...”

“What?”

“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...”

“How much are they asking?”

“Only $450,000 ... a magnificent price and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it...”

“Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”

“OK, sweetie ...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!”

“Bye ...I do too...”

The man hanged up, closed the phone's flap and raising his hand while holding the phone asked all those present:

“Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

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Category: Marital Bliss

BLEKA PROSPECTS

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said:

“Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly: Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. “

On the way home, the husband asked his wife:

“What did the doctor say?”

“That you’re going to die,” – she replied.

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Category: Marital Bliss

NOW SHE HAS NO CHOICE

Undressing at the swimming pool, a woman noticed her friend wearing men’s underwear.

“Since when do you wear boxer shorts?” – she asked.

“Since my husband found them in the glove compartment of my car.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

GROUND RULES

A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

“I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said:

“No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

JOLTED AWAKE

A woman complained to her best friend:

“There is only one thing wrong with my husband. When he comes, he always lets out an earsplitting yell.”

“That’s not so bad,” – answered the friend, – “it would even arouse me.”

“It arouses me too, “ – said the first woman, – “but it also wakes me up.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

HALLOWEEN

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. On the eve of the party, the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. There was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, decided to go the party. Her husband did not know what her costume was, so she thought that she would have some fun by watching him, to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, the husband left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation her mate would make for his behavior. The wife was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said:

“Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.”

Then she asked:

“Did you dance much?”

He replied:

“I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.......”

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Category: Marital Bliss

SAME SERVICE

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said:

“When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all-different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”

“Why complain?” – said the counselor. “You're still getting the same service!”

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