Category: Political Jokes

HE HAD IT COMING

Brezhnev, former Soviet Union head of state and Party chief  loved fast American cars and at every opportunity, took the wheel from his driver and drove recklessly on the pot-holed Russian roads. Driving through a kolkhoz one day, his car hit a dog. Afraid of the owner’s reaction, Brezhnev sent his driver into the nearby peasants’ hut, to apologize about the accident and offer compensation.

After several minutes, the driver came out, with a satisfied smile on his face.

“What happened?” - Brezhnev queried. “Did you tell them?”

“I told them that I am Brezhnev’s driver and we accidentally killed the dog. For some reason they all looked very happy, laughed, slapped me on the back and offered me some vodka to drink.”

 

 

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Category: Political Jokes 

NOT DISCRIMINATING

On one of his visits to the States, former Israeli Prime Minister Shamir, known for his love of seafood, entered a restaurant.

“Do you serve shrimps?” - he asked.

“We serve anybody, Sir,” - answered the waiter.

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Category: Parenting

OUTSPOKEN GUYS

A woman with an infant in her arms got on the bus. As she passed the driver, he exclaimed:

“My God, that child is ugly. Is it yours?”

The woman didn’t reply and proceeded angrily to an empty seat. She was still fuming and held on to seat’s support as if it were the driver’s neck. A well-dressed gentleman in the seat next to her, asked:

“My dear lady, what happened over there? May I be of assistance?”

“That impudent bastard at the wheel insulted me.”

“You should complain to his superiors. It’s outrageous how public employees behave these days.”

“A good idea. I’ll go and ask for his name.”

“Go on. Shall I keep an eye on the monkey meanwhile?”  

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Category: On the Farm

DO IT YOURSELF

In Eastern European anecdotes, Aristid and Tasilo are the names of two characters, personifying typical pre-World War II noblemen – foolish, lazy and conceited, of no use to the society.

Aristid and Tasilo owned a cattle-farm. They made a nice living selling milk, producing dairy products and selling male calves for meat. One day, during a big fire, their stable burned down and all their cattle perished. Aristid became very dejected.

“What are we going to do?” - he wailed. “Where will our livelihood come from?” 

“Don’t worry,” - consoled him Tasilo. “A small shed, with one calf, was not destroyed. We shall take the calf to be bred, it will have calves, which in turn will be inseminated and soon enough we will have a big herd.”

Aristid perked up a little. They took the calf to the village and asked one of the peasants:

“How much do you charge for having your bull mount our heifer.”

“Just $200,” - replied the peasant.

“Don’t you think that it is too much?” - asked Tasilo.

The owner of the bull retorted angrily:

“If you don’t like the price, maybe you should do it yourself.”

Both Aristid and Tasilo found this to be a capital idea. They returned to their farm and threw a coin to decide who will perform the deed. It turned out, that Tasilo was the man. He took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and entered the shed. For a while only muffled bangs, crashes and clangs were heard from the inside and then Tasilo reemerged, breathing heavily, with torn clothing and bleeding from several scratches.

“What on Earth happened to you?” - asked Aristid in astonishment.

“Do you know how difficult it is to flip a cow on its back?”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

FOOTBALL WEDDING

Two guys were talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One said:

"It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other said:

"Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asked:

"What's a football wedding?"

The other said:

 "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

SPERM COUNT

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said:

“Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

“Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “

“You asked your neighbor?”

 The old man replied:

“Yep, none of us could get the jar open!!”

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Category: Nouveau Riche

HE GAVE ALREADY

At the club everybody was either going on a mountain-climbing holiday, or just returning from one. Goldsmith felt very embarrassed when asked about his mountain-climbing experience (he did not have any) and decided to acquire one as soon as possible. He flew to Switzerland, took the train to Grindelwald, walked to a sporting-gear shop and asked for some mountain-climbing equipment. The seller looked at him dubiously and said:

“Sir, do you think that it is advisable to venture on such a dangerous trip at your age and without previous experience?”

 “If everybody can do it, I can do it too,” - answered Goldsmith

He took the equipment, asked for directions and left. When he did not return that night, the hotel management notified the police. The next morning a helicopter was sent out to search for the missing man. They located him 2,000 meters up on the Eiger, inching his way up on its nearly vertical side. The pilot switched on his powerful loudspeaker and called:

“Mr. Goldsmith, this is the Red Cross.”

But the man was not to be distracted:

“I already gave at the office,” - he shouted back and continued climbing.  

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