Category: Old Age Humiliations A MATTER OF PATIENCE On his 100th birthday a reporter asked the patriarch, how he had managed to reach such a ripe old age. The old gent just shrugged: “Very simply. I had one glass of brandy every day.” “But there are many others who drink and don’t live to become 100 years old,” - wondered the reporter. “Of course not,” – answered the venerable guy, – “they don’t keep it up long enough.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations ACTIVE LOVE LIFE The elderly man confided to his young colleague: “These days, every tryst takes me about three hours.” “I am impressed,” – said the young man, – “I never manage to last that long. How do you do it?” “I spend one hour cajoling, one hour endeavoring and one additional hour apologizing.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations WHO’S WHO A minor functionary, very proud of his record, was retired after 45 years of working at the municipality. Since he was a bachelor and saw no sense in maintaining a large apartment, he decided to move to a fashionable Retirement Home. After his arrival, he took a stroll around the premises. In the corridor he encountered two elderly ladies. He tried to dazzle them with one of his patronizing smiles, but got no spark of recognition. “Don’t you know who I am?” – he asked. The ladies gave him the once-over and finally one of them said: “We really don’t know you, but if you can’t remember who you are, they can tell you downstairs at the office.”

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Category: Nouveau Riche HE GAVE ALREADY At the club everybody was either going on a mountain-climbing holiday, or just returning from one. Goldsmith felt very embarrassed when asked about his mountain-climbing experience (he did not have any) and decided to acquire one as soon as possible. He flew to Switzerland, took the train to Grindelwald, walked to a sporting-gear shop and asked for some mountain-climbing equipment. The seller looked at him dubiously and said: “Sir, do you think that it is advisable to venture on such a dangerous trip at your age and without previous experience?” “If everybody can do it, I can do it too,” - answered Goldsmith He took the equipment, asked for directions and left. When he did not return that night, the hotel management notified the police. The next morning a helicopter was sent out to search for the missing man. They located him 2,000 meters up on the Eiger, inching his way up on its nearly vertical side. The pilot switched on his powerful loudspeaker and called: “Mr. Goldsmith, this is the Red Cross.” But the man was not to be distracted: “I already gave at the office,” - he shouted back and continued climbing.

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Category: Naughty Jokes DID IT PASS? It was a rainy evening and the pair of lovers decided that under the circumstances, the best location for a tryst would be under the railway-bridge. Everything went fine, the man was horny, the woman willing and soon they were humping merrily. Suddenly with an unusually loud roar, a train thundered across the bridge above their heads. The poor man could not stand the noise and pressed both hands over his ears, as strongly as he could. After a while, he queried his mate: “Did it pass?” The woman put her hand onto her behind and stated: “Not yet.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes SHOP TALK An actress and an actor got married and spent their honeymoon at a fashionable summer resort. Upon their return the new husband treated his friends to a round of drinks and reported of their holiday: “We arrived in the early afternoon and immediately, without even bothering to unpack, held two performances. Then we washed up, went to dinner, came back to our room and had two more performances. Later at night we went down to the bar, had a few whiskies on the rocks and before falling asleep, had another performance, followed immediately by a dress-rehearsal.” One of his companions - clearly someone not familiar with the theatrical lingo - interjected: “What is the difference between a performance and a dress-rehearsal?” “A dress-rehearsal is the same as a performance, only nobody comes.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes BALL AT THE SAVOY It was a sultry summer day and the elderly lady, who walked by a policeman standing at the corner, could not help wondering, why he kept doing deep knee-bends. “Excuse me, Officer,” - she asked - “what is it that you are doing?” “You know the ballroom at the Savoy?” - asked the policeman. “But there is no ballroom at the Savoy,” - said the surprised lady. “There is no ballroom here either,” - said the guardian of the law and pointed at his trousers.

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