Category: Ecumenical Stories

ORTHODOX WEDDING

A modern Orthodox couple, preparing for a religious wedding, met with their rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asked if they had any last questions. The man asked:

“Rabbi, is it true that men and women don't dance together?”

“Yes,” - said the rabbi. “For modesty reasons, men and women always dance separately.”

“So at our wedding, I can't dance with my own wife?”

“Absolutely not. It’s immodest.”

“Well, okay,” - said the man, - “but what about sex?”

“Fine,” - said the rabbi. “It is a mitzvah*, a good thing within the marriage to have children!”

“What about different positions?” - the man asked.

“No problem,” - said the rabbi. “It's a mitzvah!”

“Woman on top?” - the man asked.

“Sure,” - replied the rabbi – “go for it. Sex in a marriage is a mitzvah!”

“Without clothes?”

“Of course! It's a mitzvah!”

“Doggy style?"

"Why not? Another mitzvah!"

“Even on the table?”

“Yes, yes! It's a mitzvah!”

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

“Well, what about standing up?”

“OH, NO! NO!” said the rabbi.

“Why not???” asked the man.

“Could lead to dancing!”

* Mitzvah: A worthy deed, conforming to Jewish religious law.

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

TRADITION

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn’t know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year-old man, one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man:

“Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?”

The old man answered:

“No, that is not the tradition.”

The one whose followers sat said:

“Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!”

The old man answered:

“No, that is not the tradition.”

Then the rabbi said to the old man:

“But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit, or stand...”

The old man interrupted, exclaiming:

“THAT is the tradition!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

ABSOLUTION

When nuns are admitted to Heaven, they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns were lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they were made holy.

“And so,” - said St. Peter, - “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

“Well,” - said the first nun in line, - “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK” - said St. Peter. “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

The next Nun admitted that:

“Well, yes, I did once get carried away and you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK” - says St. Peter, - “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

Suddenly there was some jostling in the line and one of the nuns was trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what's going on here?” - said St. Peter.

“Well, your Excellency,” - said the nun who was trying to improve her position in line, - “if I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

PLAYING IT SAFE

Two cars collided at an intersection. When the dust settled, a shaken man stepped out of each wreck. One of them was a catholic priest, the other a rabbi. Miraculously none them were more than slightly scratched. Rejoiced the rabbi:

“Brother, this was a divine act! We could have been dead now, but here we are safe and sound. This must be a sign from the Almighty that we should become friends.”

“Indeed, this must be the will of God!” - agreed the priest.

“And look, even this bottle of kosher wine is unbroken. That means we must finish it.”

“Right,” - said the priest, took a few healthy slugs from the bottle and returned it to his colleague. But the rabbi just shook his head.

“Aren’t you going to drink?”

“Maybe it would be better if I waited until the police arrive.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

FAMILY MATTER

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by the sight of a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed:

“Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine,” - the nun said while patting his hand. “We do have to know, however, how do you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I'm not,” - the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?”

“I'm afraid I can't, Sister.”

“Do you have any close relatives, then?”

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” - replied the man, - “but she's a spinster nun.”

“Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith,” - the nun replied. “They are married to God.”

“Okay,” - the man said with a smile, - “then bill my brother-in-law.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

INFALLIBLE SIGN

A man wondered, if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin, because he was not sure if sex was work, or play. He asked a priest for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest said:

“ My son, after an exhaustive research, I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays.”

The man thought:

“Outside of young boys, what does a priest know of sex?”

He went to a minister, a married and experienced man, for the answer. He queried the minister and received the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he sought out the ultimate authority, a man of thousands of year’s tradition and knowledge, a Rabbi. The Rabbi pondered the question and stated:

“My son, sex is definitely play.”

The man replied:

“Rabbi, how can you be so sure, when so many others told me sex is work?!”

The Rabbi spoke softly:

“If sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

THE KEY TO HEAVEN

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” - said the young nun dreamily. “I've been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” - asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” - said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued:

“And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” - said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!”

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