ON DRAFT
Arriving for her artificial insemination, the young wife was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes.
“And just what do you think you're doing?” – she demanded.
“Sorry,” – said the young man, – “but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give it to you on draft.”
TIGHT SKIRT
One day, a large group of people was waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt and high heels. As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reached behind her and unzipped the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tried again.
Again, she found that she could not maneuver the step, so once more she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looked at the bus driver and tried to board again. With disappointment, she found that she still couldn’t step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzipped her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still did not reach the bottom step.
Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabbed her by the waist, lifted her up and placed her on the bus. The woman turned to the Texan furiously and said:
“Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don’t even know you!”
Nonplused, the Texan looked at her and replied:
“Well, ma’am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends.”
NEW ANGLE
When the surgeon came to see his young patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. So the doctor asked:
“What's wrong?”
“Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?”
“Uh...” - stammered the stunned surgeon, as he thought pensively, - “I hadn't really thought about it. You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy.”
EXCELLENT MEMORY
Three guys were debating who has the best memory. The first said:
“I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.”
The second guy said:
“I can remember my first day at Nursery School!”
Not to be outdone, the third guy said:
“Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father and coming home with my mother.”
APARTMENT FOR RENT
A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “Rent For Apartment.” On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
“Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat and that it was entirely too large.”
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
“Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.”
SWEET REVENGE
A married guy was out getting laid, when he suffered a massive heart attack and died. The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying:
“Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away. What would you like us to do?”
To which she replied:
“Cut it off and stuff it in his ass.”
When she went to view the body, she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket. Bending over him, she said softly:
“Hurts, doesn't it?”
LENT
On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy, but sweet nightie and with great anticipation crawled into bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied:
“Because it's Lent.”
“Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard” – she exclaimed, close to tears. “To whom and for how long?!”
