Category: Ethnic Stories

THE TALMUDIST

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:

“This fellow doesn't look like a peasant and if he isn't a peasant, he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs.
But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.
What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.”
At this point the scholar turned to the young man and said:
"How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir." - answered the startled passenger. “But how is it that you know my name?"
"Oh," - replied the Talmudist, - "it was obvious."

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Category: Ethnic Stories

SCOTTISH ROMANCE

A Scotsman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Scotsman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Scotsman took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Scotsman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Scotsman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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Category: Ethnic Stories

GOLF

A British couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple were at the links ready to tee off. The Brit's wife stepped up to the tee and as she bent over to place the ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.
"Allo! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" - her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!"
The Brit immediately reached into his pocket and said:
"For the sake of St. Paul, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blew up to show that she was wearing no undies.
"Bejesus woman! You've no knickers! Why not?"
She replied:
"I can't afford any on the money you give me!"
He reached into his pocket and said:
"For the sake of St. Patrick, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she too was naked under it.
"Hoot mon woman! Why d'ye have nae knickers?"
She too explained:
"You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!"
The Scot reached into his pocket and said:
"For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit."

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Category: Ethnic Stories

BACON TREE

Back in the Wild West, a wagon train was lost and very low on food and they had seen no other people for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said:
"We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," – the old Jewish man said, – "I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree.
"bacon tree!!!!?" – asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader went back and told his people what the Jewish man had told him.
"So why did he say not to go there?" – some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know the Jewish folks – they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train went up the hill and down the other side. About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returned, disheveled and wounded, to where the old Jewish man was sitting and enjoying his drink. The near-dead man started shouting:
"You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man held up his hand and said:
"Oy, vait a minute, vait a minute."
He got out an English-Yiddish dictionary and began thumbing through it.
"Oh mine Gott, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree....”Are you ready for this????
"I mant to say it vuz a ham bush!"

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Category: Ethnic Stories

JEWISH LOGIC

A young man, Yossi and an elderly man Hymie were riding on a bus in Jerusalem. Yossi asked:
"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"
Hymie hat sich gemacht nit vissen dik (didn't answer). Yossi asked again:
“Sir, what time is it?"
Hymie still did not answer.
"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really need to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"
Hymie turned his head and said:
"Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why
would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

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Category: Ethnic Stories

LATIN

Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," - Yacov said, - "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black. We need new suits and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is."
Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said:
"See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for the nuns. In all the world," - Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, - "there is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nun's habits from and it is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"
A few weeks later the two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, on a whim, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own. Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on.
"What did that man want?" - one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," - she replied. "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left."
"In Latin?" - asked the first nun. "What did he say?"
He said, - "Marcus, Pincus fuctus."

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Category: Ethnic Stories

STRANDED

Morris & Esther, an elderly Jewish couple, were on an airplane flying to the Far East when over the public address system the Captain announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen! I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on the maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives.
A few minutes later, thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane landed safely on the island, whereupon Morris turned to his wife and asked:
"Esther, did we pay our charity pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"
"No, Morris," – she responded.
Morris smiled, then asked:
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy, no I forgot to send the check!"
Now Morris laughed.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?"
"Oy, forgive me Morris, I forgot that one too!"
Now Morris was practically choking with laughter.
Esther asked Morris:
"So what are you smiling and laughing about?"
Morris responded:
"They'll find us."

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