Category: Straight from the Hip SOUND ADVICE A woman of dubious reputation complained to the corner policeman: “Yesterday in the neighborhood café someone called me a whore.” “Why do you go to places where they know you?”

If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

Custom Search

Category: Sporting World SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF

A recent Scottish immigrant attended his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit heard the fans roaring “Run....Run!” The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!”

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!”

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump called a walk the Scotsman stood up yelling:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!”

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered:

“He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.”

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed:

“Walk with pr-r-ride man!”

If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

Custom Search

Category: Policemen CROSSED WIRES

Two policemen walked their beat in the East-European capital. One of them suggested:

“Don’t you think it would be wise if we learned a foreign language?”

Hardly had he finished speaking, when a big American car stopped near them. A man leaned out of the window and asked:

“Do you speak English?”

Both policemen shook their heads in negation.

The man tried again:

“Sprechen Sie Deutsch?”

“Parlate Italiano?’

“Parlez vous Francais?”

“¿Habla Espanol?”

To each of the questions, the policemen just looked at him uncomprehendingly. At last the foreigner muttered under his breath: 'Damn!' and drove off.

“You see, that man spoke at least five languages and where did it get him?” – asked the second policeman.

If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

Custom Search

Category: Political Jokes YOU CANNOT BEAT THE SYSTEM In communist Poland a Page One news item in the Party organ advised, that a long-awaited shipment of flour had arrived and there would be fresh bread the next day. In the early morning hours a long line has formed in front of the bakery. The baker was also waiting inside his shop. At about 7 o’clock when he saw that the delivery-truck had not arrived yet, he opened the door and called out: “It seems there will not be enough bread for everyone. All the Jews should go home!” A few left. At 8 o’clock, the baker came out again and shouted: “There’re still too many left. All who are not Party members may go home!” Now the crowd diminished considerably. At 10 o’clock, the baker emerged once more: “There will be bread only for families with small children. The rest need not wait any longer.” Now only a few dozen women were left in the queue. At 11:30, the baker appeared again and announced: “I am sorry, but there will not be any bread today. Apparently, the flour was stale.” Slowly the women dispersed. One of them remarked: “Look at the bloody Jews, they got home and are warming their fat butts since hours ago.”

If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

Custom Search

Category: Parenting FREE WILL On the eve of his son’s departure to study at a university abroad, the anxious father asked: “You will write often, won’t you son?” “Of course I will Dad, but from time to time you can send some money on your own volition.” SOUND MIND The relatives of the rich widow assembled at the family lawyer's office for the reading of her will. “Being of sound mind,” – read the attorney, – “I spent every last cent before I died.”

If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

Custom Search

Category: On the Farm COUP OF GRACE Farmer Joe decided that his injuries from an accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning the farmer: “Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I'm fine’?” - asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded: “Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...” “I didn't ask for any details,” - the lawyer interrupted, - “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident 'I'm fine'?” Farmer Joe said: “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...” The lawyer interrupted again and said: “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact, that at the scene of the accident this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks later he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer: “I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.” Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded: “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said: ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are YOU feeling?’”

If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations THE SECRET OF LONGEVITY As part of a survey, undertaken with the purpose of trying to discover the reasons behind longevity, a scientist interviewed scores of old people. “What is your secret for long life?” - he asked the first interviewee. “I drink a big glass of milk three times a day, in the morning, at noon and at night,” - answered the old guy. “And how old are you?” “94 years old.” The scientist thanked him and called in the second man. “What is your secret?” - he asked again. “I refrain from consuming any meat, eat only fresh vegetables and fruit.” “And what is your age?” “I just celebrated my 90th birthday.” The scientist continued with his interviews. The third man said he jogs at least three times a day, each time about 5 kilometers and he is 103 years old. The fourth, fifth and sixth each had their own recipes for longevity and each could point to his advanced years as proof that his secret is the most effective. Finally, in came a man, who looked the oldest of the lot. His back was bent, his head trembling; he barely managed to reach the interviewing table. He too was asked: “What is your secret?” “I sleep three times a day with an 18 old girl.” This was a new angle. The scientist continued with his query: “And how old are you?” “49 years old,” - replied the patriarch.

If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

Custom Search