Category: Animal Stories

HORSE SENSE

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.

Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice:

"It's your fuel pump."

The man rose up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" - he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated:

"It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.

"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" - he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked:

"What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's unbelievable," - the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful.

"A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied in the affirmative.

"Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," - said the rancher, "because that black horse doesn't know a thing about cars.

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Category: Male Chauvinists

LIFESAVER

“Today my wife saved many lives.”

“How did she do it?”

“She couldn’t start the car this morning.”

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Category: Male Chauvinists

LOSS OF CONTROL

A man complained:

“I lost control of my car yesterday.”

“How did it happen?”

“My wife got her driver’s license.” 

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Category: Loonies

NO FOOL IS HE

On a highway located near a hospital for the insane, a car had a flat tire. One of the inmates came to the fence and watched the driver, attempting to unlock the screws of the tire - to no avail.

“Try unscrewing them anti-clockwise,” – he suggested.

The motorist acted on his advice and indeed, the screws opened easily.

“How did you know?” – wondered the driver.

“Look sir, I may be crazy, but I am no fool!”

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Category: In the Middle East

NOMEN EST OMEN (The European version)

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrived at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stopped them and told them:

"It's a illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" - asked the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" - replied the Italian official.

"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", - the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", - replied the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea peopleina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law".

The German driver replied angrily:

"You idiot! Call your supervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry", - responded the Italian official, - "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.

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Category: Old Age Humiliations HONEST JOHN

Police Officer O'Leary was cruising around in his patrol car one night. He was on the lookout for trouble. He saw two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used car lot. The car lot was closed, so O'Leary drove up alongside the Chevy and asked:

"Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," – said one of the ladies, – "we purchased the car this afternoon." "Well," – said the cop, – "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," – replied the other little old lady, – "and besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here, we would get screwed."

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Category: Simpletons VALUE ADDED

Mary was having a lot of problems selling her old car, because it had more than 200,000 miles on it. One day, she talked of her problem to a friend. Her friend told her:

“There's a way of making the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.”

“It doesn't matter,” - replied Mary, - “if only I can sell it.”

“Okay,” - said the friend. “This the address of someone who owns a car repair shop. If you tell him that I sent you, he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”

The next week Mary took her car to the repair shop. About one month later, her friend asked her:

“Did you sell your car?”

“No,” - replied Mary, - “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

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Category: Straight From The Hip

RECTIFICATION

“Sir, my car hit your cat by accident. I would like to rectify your loss somehow.”

“All right. Can you catch mice?”

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Category: Doctor and Patients MIRACLE

Recounted the middle-aged man to his colleague:

“Listen to this. You know about my bad leg, I went to see the new physician whom everybody recommended and now I am walking again.”

“Is he really so good?”

“No, but while I was sitting in the waiting-room my car was stolen.”

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