Category: Animal World

BRAGGARTS

Three mice were sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounded a shot of scotch, slammed the glass onto the bar, turned to the second mouse and said:

“When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese.”

The second mouse ordered up two shots of sour mash, pounded them both, slammed each glass onto the bar, turned to the first mouse and replied:

“Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”

The first mouse and the second mouse then turned to the third mouse. The third mouse let out a long sigh and said to the first two:

“I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”

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Category: Animal World

  DISABILITY

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. He was overjoyed by his find, but was sure none of his friends would believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by, they fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend:

“Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

     “I sure did,” – responded his friend. “He can't swim.”

  

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Category: Airline Stories

PECKING ORDER

A white, Chinese and a black woman were seated on adjacent seats on an airplane. All of a sudden a frantic voice announced over the passenger address system that the plane was going to crash. Immediately the white woman pulled out her make-up and started primping. The other two asked her what she was doing. She replied:

“After a crash they always look for the beautiful people first.”

The Chinese women opened her purse and started putting on all of her jewelry. When the other two asked her what she was doing, she answered:

“After a crash they always look for the rich people first.”

At that the black women started taking off her pants and of course the other two women asked her what she was doing. She said:

“I don't know where you all get your info, but they always search for the black box first!”

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Category: Airlines

CUSTOMER RELATIONS

The passengers on the transatlantic flight had just finished their meal and were comfortably relaxed, when the loudspeakers suddenly came on:

“This is the captain speaking. I would like to advise you that we have just lost our starboard engine. However, please remain calm. We have everything under control. This aircraft can operate with three engines just as well.”

About fifteen minutes later a movie was shown in the cabin and the passengers almost forgot the previous announcement, when the captain’s voice was heard again:

“I am sorry, but we seem to have lost another engine. You have no cause to worry. The aircraft is capable of flying with two engines. However, purely as a precautionary measure, those passengers who can swim, should concentrate on the left side of the cabin and those who cannot, should move to the right side.”                

Another fifteen minutes passed and the now familiar voice was heard again on the public address system:

“This is the captain once again. We have just lost our third engine and are initiating ditching procedures. All passengers are requested to don their life vests. As soon as the aircraft comes to a complete stop, the crew will open the exit doors. Please remove your shoes and follow the instructions of your crew in using the emergency escape slides. Those on the left side of the plane can commence swimming towards the shore. Those on the right side will remain floating and it is hoped, will eventually be located and rescued. In any case, should we not meet again, I want to thank you for flying with our airline.”   

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Category: Airlines

OUTSTANDING SERVICE

On a Singapore Airlines flight, an unaccompanied minor was entrusted to the care of a young stewardess. She gave him some puzzles to work out and went to see about the rest of her duties. Somewhere above the ocean, the boy told the stewardess that he had to go to the bathroom urgently. The girl took him to the toilet, showed him the facilities and left him to his own devices. Soon enough the child finished his business, but instead of returning to his seat, wandered off in the opposite direction. Meanwhile, unnoticed by the flight attendant, another passenger entered the same toilet. When 5-6 minutes passed and the caring stewardess did not see the boy come out of the restroom, she went over to the toilet door, knocked on it and in a soft voice asked:

“Do you need any help with your zipper dear?”

From inside a startled voice was heard:

“Good Grief! Singapore Airlines really does provide outstanding service.”   

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Category: Afterlife

HEALTHY LIFE

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed,” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” – Peter replied, – “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked:

“What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply:

“This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” – asked the old man..

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” – Peter replied.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” – the old man asked timidly.

“That’s the best part,” – explained Peter, – “you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!”

The old man looked at his wife and said:

“You and your darned bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!!”

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Category: Women's Lib

GOD'S GIFTS

God was just about done creating the universe, but he had a couple of leftover things in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.

“It's a very handy thing,” - God told the couple, who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.”

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged:

“Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden, or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please...”

On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good.

“Fine,” - God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. “What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...”

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