Category: Ethnic Stories

DISTINCT ADVANTAGE

Bob and Gideon, his black colleague, bought houses in the same upwardly mobile neighborhood. At the housewarming party, Bob toasted his neighbor:

“It seems that we made a good investment.”

“Sure, Bob, but if you must know, my house is worth $30,000 more than yours.”

“How can that be,” - wondered Bob, - “after all our houses are completely identical.”

“Yes, but I don’t have a black neighbor.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

SMALL DIFFERENCE

A Jewish and Chinese traveling salesman shared a compartment on the train. Suddenly the Jewish salesman got up and slapped the face of his fellow traveler.

“What was that for?” - demanded the flabbergasted Chinese.

“For Pearl Harbor” - replied the other one.

“But I’m Chinese and it was the Japanese who attacked Pearl Harbor.”

“Japanese, Chinese, it makes no difference to me.”

For a while all was quiet, as the two contemplated the incident. Suddenly, the Chinese got up and slapped the other salesman’s face. Now it was the turn of the Jewish salesman to be surprised:

“And what was that for?” - he asked in astonishment.

“That was for sinking the “Titanic,” - was the reply.

“But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg.”

“Iceberg, Rosenberg, it makes no difference to me.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

TO EACH IN ACCORDANCE WITH HER NEEDS

For the first time in her life a countrywoman visited the big city and as she needed some underwear, her friend took her to a big department store.

“If you buy a pack of panties, you can get a better deal, Madam” - said the seller. “What kind would you prefer? A pack of seven, five, or twelve?”

“What is the best?” - whispered the woman to her friend.

“For everyday use, I would suggest a pack of seven. The undies are marked ‘Sunday’, ‘Monday’, etc.”

“And what is the purpose of the five-pack?”

“These are for French women. You know, on weekends they go without.”

“And the pack of twelve?”

“Oh, these? These are for the Poles. They are inscribed ‘January’, ‘February’, etc.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

THERE MUST BE ORDER!

While in France a Frenchman, an Englishman and a German, who had committed a capital offense, were tried and sentenced to death. The morning of their execution came and it was the Frenchman, who was honored by going first. Before stepping up to the guillotine, he was asked by the executioner, if he wanted to be face up or down. Proudly the man replied:

“Face up. I am not afraid of the blade.”

Assisted by the executioner, he got into position and as the release rope was pulled, the oblique blade descended swiftly and ... stopped just a hairsbreadth from the victim’s extended neck. The executioner swore under his breath, reset the blade and pulled the rope once more. The blade came down with speed and again stopped just short of the Frenchman’s neck. After the same scene repeated itself for the third time, law obliged them, to set the man free.

The Englishman’s turn came up. He too was asked for the position he favors.

“Face down,” - replied the man. “I don’t want to see the bloody knife coming down on my neck.”

After he kneeled and his head was in position, the executioner activated the machine. With a shivery whoosh the heavy blade sped down and stopped a few millimeters from its goal. The machine was tried for the second time, then once again, but finally they had to let the Englishman go too.

Now only the German was left.

“Which way do you want to face?” - asked the executioner.

“It makes no difference to me,” - answered the sentenced man, - “but you should fix the damn machine first.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS

The rich Sikh built a palace with three swimming pools. One contained hot water, the second cold water and the third was empty. A friend asked him what does he need three swimming pools for.

“You know there are cold days here when it is nice to jump into the hot water. In the summer it gets very hot in these parts and the only way to cool off is to immerse yourself in the cool waters of the pool.”

“But what about the empty pool?”

“There are days when I don’t feel like swimming.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

(NOT SO) UNWILLING VICTIM

Brenda O'Malley was home, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrived at her door.

“Brenda, may I come in?” - he asked. “I've somethin' to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?”

“That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...”

“Oh, God no!” - cried Brenda. “Please don't tell me...”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.”

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up.

“How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, no Brenda...no.”

“No?”

“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

AN HONORARY POSITION

At the bottom of every New Year greeting card, received from Brown, the small town retailer, there was an invitation to come and visit him “if you want to breathe some unspoiled country air”. One day, his big city family decided to take him up on his invitation. Reaching his town, they stopped their car at the first passersby, a poorly dressed fellow and asked directions.

“Brown, that cheapskate, who never donated a penny for charity,” - answered the man angrily, - “he lives at the upper end of the town, where all the bloodsuckers of his kind live.”

They drove on in the general direction indicated and stopped again at a small shop.

“If you are looking for that crook, that scoundrel Brown, may he drop dead” - answered the visibly agitated shopkeeper - “he lives in a red tiled big house, may it burn down, on the 5th street to the left.”

Two other people expressed similar derogatory views about the visitor’s kinsman. Finally they reached his home and received a warm welcome. Brown showed them around his spacious house and told them that he was recently elected the Chairman of the local Merchants’ Association.

“Does the job pay well?” - asked the visitors.

“It does not pay at all, but you gain stature and a lot of respect in the community.”

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