Category: Political Jokes

BLESS YOU

Another Soviet era joke:

It was a cold day and one of the passengers on the crowded train to Moscow sneezed. The man seated in the corner, whose leather-coat and short boots gave him away as belonging to the security-police, raised his head from his “Pravda” newspaper and in a loud and booming voice asked:

“Which of you comrades sneezed?”
All conversation ceased and everyone held their breath, waiting for the culprit to identify himself. When nobody answered, the KGB man repeated his query:
“I am asking again, who sneezed?’
A pale, thin fellow at the back of the crowd raised his hand hesitatingly:
“I did. I have a bad cold.”
“Gesundheit, tovarisch!” - said the KGB man and returned to his paper.

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Category: Political Jokes

GOOD OLD PAYOLA

In the old USSR two American tourists met in the lobby of the luxurious “Moscow” Hotel.

“How was your tour?” - asked one.
“Absolutely ghastly,” - replied the other. “Last night, we went to the ‘Bolshoi Ballet’, but my seat was at the end of the last row and I hardly saw anything. I heard about the terrific fur bargains at the ‘Gum’ Department Store, but when I got there this morning they told me they had so many tourists this week, that they are completely out of furs. Then we went to the Lenin mausoleum, but after forty-five minutes of waiting in line in freezing weather, I just gave up and returned to the hotel. And how did you enjoy your tour?”
“Oh, it was absolutely fabulous!” - said the first tourist. “You would not believe what a little grease gets you around these parts. For a few bills one of the bellboys got me a ticket to the first row of the ‘Bolshoi’. I also went to the ‘Gum’, gave one of the salesmen five bucks and I had my pick of any of dozen magnificent furs, for half the price it would have cost me back home. When I got to the mausoleum and saw the long lines, I gave three bucks to each of the fours guards at the entrance and they brought Lenin out to me.”

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Category: Out of Africa

TRADITIONALLY MINDED

Food-stocks at the cannibal village were getting dangerously low and led by the village elder, a posse of young males set out to forage for food. After searching in vain for several hours, the hunters came at the beach across two shipwrecked girls, washed ashore on the island. They were hungry, but not that hungry! After all they could always catch some game. These were fresh and beautiful girls, even by cannibal standards and it would be a waste to use them as food. So the village elder confronted the girls with a proposal:
“You have two choices. In accordance with our ancient tradition, you can either have nick-nick with a chosen group of our young and potent males and bear their offspring, or have the honor of becoming the main course tonight at the thanksgiving dinner to our merciful God.”
The girls were brought up in a convent and until then the thought of participating in group-sex with a bunch of primitives had never crossed their minds. Still, one of them was a practical type and had no difficulty in deciding, that being nick-nicked by some muscle-bound, even if unwashed hunk, was much more preferable, to being devoured by the ravenous tribesmen, but her comrade told the village-elder, that she preferred death over dishonor. The elder was not too unhappy over her decision. He was quite old and would much rather have a full stomach, than satisfy his more basic instincts, but tradition had to be upheld, and so he told the girl:
“I assure you that you will always be remembered as the best dish we ever had, but in accordance with our ancient tradition and so that you will not go into the pot too sadly, you will be privileged and have first some nick-nick with some of our young and potent males.”

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Category: On The Farm

NO PROBLEM

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in the cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull mounting one of his heifers. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear:
“Mabel, I sure wouldn’t mind doing a bit of that.”
“Well then, why don't you?”– Mabel whispered back. “It is your heifer.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

SHARING

The little old man and lady walked slowly into McDonald’s that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what they were thinking:

“Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years, or more!”
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man took a bite of the hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking:
“That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Once again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
“Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”
She answered:
“The teeth.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

NAVAL TERMINOLOGY

An old retired sailor put on his old uniform and headed once more for the docks, for old times sake. He engaged a prostitute and took her up to a room. He was soon going at it as well as he could for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, asked:
“How am I doing?”
The prostitute replied:
“Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots.”
“Three knots?” – he asked. “What's that supposed to mean?”
She said: “You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money-back!

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

OIL CHANGE

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:

“This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
He answered: “You have to keep that old motor running.”
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:
“You really are amazing. How do you do it?”
He again said: “You have to keep the old motor running.”
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:
“You must be quite a man.”
He responded: “You have to keep that old motor running.”
The nurse then said, “Well, it's high time you changed the oil. This one's black.”

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