Category: Sporting World SEDUCTION SCENE A sport-slanted variation of a delightful little story:

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a deserted island all alone for ten years, saw an unusual speck on the horizon.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” - he thought to himself. As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf came this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approached the stunned guy and asked:

“How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!” - he said.

She reached over, unzipped a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a packet of fresh cigarettes. He took one, lighted it and after taking a long drag and sighed:

“Man, oh man! Is that ever good!”

She then asked him:

“How long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?”

Trembling, he replied:

“Ten years!”

She unzipped the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulled out a flask and gave it to him. The man opened the flask, took a long swig and said:

“Wow, that’s absolutely fantastic!”

The woman then started slowly unzipping the long zipper that ran down the front of her wet suit, looked at him seductively and asked:

“And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replied:

“Oh sweet Lord God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

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Category: Straight From The Hip

RECTIFICATION

“Sir, my car hit your cat by accident. I would like to rectify your loss somehow.”

“All right. Can you catch mice?”

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Category: Sporting World GOLF GUN

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of one Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" - asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," - the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

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Category: Simpletons PAMPERING

Bill, a somewhat simple-minded young fella, decided to let himself be pampered and went to a brothel. Explaining his desire to the madam, she answered him:

“Sure we can pamper you, but as to how much, depends on how much money you have.”

Looking into his wallet Bill stated:

“All I have is $10.”

Laughing, the madam exclaimed:

“Well, for ten dollars you can go outside around back and play with yourself.”

Looking a bit depressed, obviously let down having expected more, Bill went outside. After a few minutes, he returned. A bit irritated, the madam of the house asked him:

“Well, what are you doing back here?!”

Bill said:

“I've finished and would like to pay.”

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Category: Political Jokes NOT CRAZY

At the former Soviet Emigration Office:

“What are your reasons for requesting an Emigration Permit?”

“My uncle in Canada has become totally deaf and cannot manage on his own.”

“Hmm. And why doesn’t your uncle come here to live with you?”

“He is just deaf, not crazy.”

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Category: On the Farm DO IT YOURSELF

In Eastern European anecdotes, Aristid and Tasilo are the names of two characters, personifying typical pre-World War II noblemen – foolish, lazy and conceited, of no use to the society.

Aristid and Tasilo owned a cattle-farm. They made a nice living selling milk, producing dairy products and selling male calves for meat. One day, during a big fire, their stable burned down and all their cattle perished. Aristid became very dejected.

“What are we going to do?” - he wailed. “Where will our livelihood come from?”

“Don’t worry,” - consoled him Tasilo. “A small shed, with one calf, was not destroyed. We shall take the calf to be bred, it will have calves, which in turn will be inseminated and soon enough we will have a big herd.”

Aristid perked up a little. They took the calf to the village and asked one of the peasants:

“How much do you charge for having your bull mount our heifer.”

“Just $200,” - replied the peasant.

“Don’t you think that it is too much?” - asked Tasilo.

The owner of the bull retorted angrily:

“If you don’t like the price, maybe you should do it yourself.”

Both Aristid and Tasilo found this to be a capital idea. They returned to their farm and threw a coin to decide who will perform the deed. It turned out, that Tasilo was the man. He took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and entered the shed. For a while only muffled bangs, crashes and clangs were heard from the inside and then Tasilo reemerged, breathing heavily, with torn clothing and bleeding from several scratches.

“What on Earth happened to you?” - asked Aristid in astonishment.

“Do you know how difficult it is to flip a cow on its back?”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations OIL CHANGE

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:

“This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”

He answered: “You have to keep that old motor running.”

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:

“You really are amazing. How do you do it?”

He again said: “You have to keep the old motor running.”

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:

“You must be quite a man.”

He responded: “You have to keep that old motor running.”

The nurse then said, “Well, it's high time you changed the oil. This one's black.”

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