Category: Simpletons (DON'T) CHERCHEZ LA FEMME

Two construction workers shared a shady corner during their lunch-break. One of them opened his lunch pail, checked the top sandwich and uttered with disgust:

“Damn, peanut butter again!”

Chucking the offensive food into the nearby wastebasket, he opened his second sandwich, found that it contained tuna and started munching away contentedly. His mate watched with amazement. When his lunch companion threw away his second peanut-butter sandwich, he could no longer restrain himself and burst out:

“Tell me, how long have you been married?”

“20 years,” - answered his finicky colleague.

“And after so many years,” - continued his lunch companion - “your wife still doesn’t know that you hate peanut butter?”

“Leave my wife out of it! I prepared those sandwiches myself.”

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Category: Simpletons THE SOUND OF ONE HAND CLAPPING

While her husband was at work, the policeman’s wife was entertaining three men simultaneously. Unexpectedly, she heard his car in the driveway. At a loss as what to do at such short notice, she hid the men in some sacks in the kitchen. As her husband went to the fridge to get some cold beer, he noticed the sacks. He kicked the first one:

“Meow,” - a plaintive mewing was heard from the sack.

“Hmmm, my wife probably bought a cat.”

He kicked the second sack.

“Woof-woof,” - a gruff barking was heard from the sack.

“Oh, I see that she also bought a dog.”

The policeman kicked the third sack. Nothing. He kicked it again. Still nothing. As he kicked it for the third time, the man in the sack shouted desperately:

“Potatoes, you moron, potatoes!”

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Category: Salesmen EXCELLENT SALESMANSHIP

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the country - you could get anything there. The boss asked him:

“Have you ever been a salesman before?”

“Yes, I was a salesman in my hometown,” - said the lad.

The boss liked him and said:

“You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up.”

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly showed up and asked:

“How many sales did you make today?”

“One,” - said the young salesman.

“Only one?” - blurted the boss, - “most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”

“Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars,” - said the young man.

“How did you manage that?” - asked the flabbergasted boss.

“Well,” - said the salesman - “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his car probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Land Cruiser.”

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment:

“You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”

“No,” - answered the salesman. “Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, ‘Sounds like the weekend is a loss, so you may as well go fishing.’”

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Category: Political Jokes DARING GUYS

Ivan and Joe were having a beer in the pub. Said Joe:

“Ours is a wonderful country, Ivan. It is so democratic, that once I spit on the President’s car and nothing happened to me.”

“That’s nothing! I once took a shit in Red Square.”

After a few more beers Joe spoke up again:

“I must confess, that when I spit on the President’s car, it was empty.”

“Then I must confess also, that when I took a shit in Red Square I didn’t take off my pants.”

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Category: Pranks MARY AND FRED

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to mum and dad for the night. In the morning, little Johnny got up and had his breakfast. As he was going out of the door to go to school, he asked his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replied:

"No".

Johnny asked:

"Do you know what I think?"

His mum replied:

"Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny came home for lunch and asked his mum:

"Is Fred and Mary up yet?" She replied:

"No".

Johnny said:

"Do you know what I think?" His mum replied:

"Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, he came home and asked:

"Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mum said:

"No."

Johnny asked:

"Do you know what I think?"

His mum replied:

"OK! What do you think?"

He said:

"Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

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Category: Political Jokes - in former USSR SMALL DISADVANTAGE

The post of the Chief Rabbi at the Great Moscow Synagogue became vacant. The ruling Communist Party always maintained that there is freedom of religion in the USSR and the synagogue in the capital was a showcase to prove it. Therefore, the chief rabbi had to be a reliable person. Brezhnev ordered the KGB Chief to find for the job a man who was both a good Communist and well-versed in Jewish theology. After a few days the Chief reported that he had found someone, who is a loyal Communist Party member, however Jewish religious knowledge is not one of his strong points. Brezhnev rejected the candidate and repeated that someone with both qualifications must be found. Another week had passed and the KGB Chief came up with another contestant:

“He is well qualified in Jewish religious matters, however he is not a very good Communist.”

This candidate too was not accepted and Brezhnev charged the KGB man to go on looking for someone equally strong in both categories. Not long afterwards, the Chief informed his boss that at last he has located someone who is both a long-standing and faithful member of the Party and a real expert on anything that is Jewish.

“He has a handicap though” - remarked the KGB functionary.

“And what is that?” - demanded Brezhnev.

“He is Jewish!”

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Category: Parenting IRONCLAD

Like all doting parents the Smiths were worried sick about their daughter’s first date. They instructed her to be at home at exactly 11 p.m. and as an added measure, they made her wear panties made of tin foil. When the girl didn’t show up at the specified hour, her apprehensive folks went searching for her. After checking all the obvious places, nearby cafés, park benches, dark doorways, they finally reached a kiosk at the edge of a small wooded area and asked the owner if he has seen a young girl and boy.

“This is the hour of lovers and many youngsters pass by,” - answered the proprietor. “Can you give me a more precise description?”

“The young man looks like a hooligan,” - answered the parents - “whereas the girl has long blonde hair and an innocent-looking face.”

“I saw several couples fitting this description. Does she have any distinctive markings?”

“She does indeed. A metallic sound is heard, when she walks.”

“Now that you mention it, a while ago a pair of young people were here. They seemed to be in an awful hurry and asked for a tin-opener.”

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