Category: Army Stories THE JOKE IS ON YOU

At a military training facility, the parachutist-trainees were scheduled to jump out of a plane for the first time in their life. The training officer gave some heavy-handed “assistance” to those who developed cold feet at the door of the plane. One soldier in particular put up more than a token resistance, holding on with all his strength to the door’s edges, kicking, fighting, swearing until at considerable effort the officer managed to push him out. Another trainee burst out into loud laughter.

“What is so funny in that I helped a coward to make up his mind?” – asked the officer.

“That was our pilot!” – said the other wiping off his streaming tears.

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Category: Animal Stories DINNER COMPANION

A man accompanied by his dog, used to come to the pub every night, order a glass of whisky for himself and a small beer for his dog. He poured the beer into a saucer and the dog seemed to enjoy the foamy beverage. One night, the barman noticed that the dog came in unaccompanied. He just stood there, looked at the barman and wagged its tail. The man thought to himself:

“Maybe his owner couldn’t come and the dog came alone to get his nightly drink.”

He poured the animal its usual potion; the dog lapped it up, wagged its tail again and sauntered out. The same thing happened the next evening. The dog came in, had a drink and left again. On the third day, the regular patron showed up again and approached the barman.

“I am very grateful to you for taking care of my dog during my sickness,” – he said. “I brought you a nice lobster for your trouble.”

“Thank you,” - replied the barman, - “I’ll take it home for dinner.”

“He already had dinner,” - explained his customer. “Take him to the movies.”

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Category: Animal Stories CHESS PLAYERS

The fox challenged the rabbit to a series of chess games, but to his chagrin, the rabbit invariably beat him. Said the frustrated fox:

“I am considered one of the cleverest animals in the forest. How do you manage to win all our games? What is your secret?”

“Before every game I always visit my mistress,” - answered the hare. “Having sex sharpens my brain and gives me so much energy that I play better than average.”

The fox remained unconvinced that the same trick would work for him, but decided to give it a try anyway. Before their next game he went into the kitchen and while his wife was preparing dinner, surprised her from behind. His spouse must have been very busy, because she did not even turn around and just asked:

“Going to play chess, Bunny dear?”

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Category: Airline Stories PECKING ORDER

A white, Chinese and a black woman were seated on adjacent seats on an airplane. All of a sudden a frantic voice announced over the passenger address system that the plane was going to crash. Immediately the white woman pulled out her make-up and started primping. The other two asked her what she was doing. She replied:

“After a crash they always look for the beautiful people first.”

The Chinese women opened her purse and started putting on all of her jewelry. When the other two asked her what she was doing, she answered:

“After a crash they always look for the rich people first.”

At that the black women started taking off her pants and of course the other two women asked her what she was doing. She said:

“I don't know where you all get your info, but they always search for the black box first!”

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Category: Women's Lib THE IDEAL HUSBAND The definition of an ideal husband:

Does not smoke

Does not drink

Does not flirt

Does not exist.

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Category: Women's Lib GOD'S GIFTS

God was just about done creating the universe, but he had a couple of leftover things in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.

“It's a very handy thing,” - God told the couple, who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.”

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged:

“Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden, or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please...”

On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good.

“Fine,” - God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. “What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...”

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Category: Viagra GOLFER

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked:

"How many?"

The man replied:

"Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said:

"That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy.”

The old fellow said:

"Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.

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