Category: Marital Bliss

MUTUAL DISLIKE

After repeated complaints of pain in her abdomen, the dutiful husband took his wife to a clinic. The internist gave the woman a thorough medical check-up, then with a frown on his face, motioned the husband to the side and whispered to him:

“I don’t like your wife at all.”

“Neither do I,” – whispered the husband back, – “but what can I do? She’s such a good mother to our kids.”

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Category: Marital Bliss A POINTED HINT

One evening, a man sitting at the window casually called to his wife:

“There’s that woman the guy next door is in love with!”

His wife dropped the plate she was drying in the kitchen, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase and looked out the window:

“Where? Where?” – she demanded.

“Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress.”

“You idiot! That’s his wife!!!”

“Yes, I know,” – the husband said with a satisfied grin.

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Category: Marital Bliss FIT PRESENT

A fellow said to his buddy:

“I don't know what to buy my wife for her birthday. She already has everything, so I'm really stumped.”

His buddy said:

“I have an idea. Make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!”

The next day his buddy asked:

“Well, did you accept my suggestion? How'd it turn out?”

“She loved it. She thanked me, jumped up, kissed me on the mouth and ran out the door yelling: See you in two hours!”

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Category: Male Chauvinist PERFECT MATCH

Susan was in her late thirties and still not married. She had a hard time meeting men and the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper. She wrote:

“Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me and is excellent in bed.”

Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then one day, as she was doing her laundry, she heard a knock on the door. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

“May I help you?” - she asked.

“I am the man of your dreams!” - said the man.

Completely baffled, she said:

“Excuse me?”

“I read your ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms so I can't beat you. I have no legs so I can never leave you.”

“But are you good in bed?” - she asked.

He replied:

“How do you think I knocked on the door?!”

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Category: Lawyers REALLY GENEROUS

The UJF (United Jewish Fund) realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his elegant office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying:

"Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to Israel. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the UJF?"

The lawyer thought for a minute and said:

"First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the UJF rep mumbled:

"Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," - said the lawyer, - "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken UJF rep began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said:

"I'm sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer said:

"So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

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Category: In The Middle East TAKING NO CHANCES

A guy went on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Suddenly the mother-in-law died. They went to a local undertaker, who explained that they could ship the body home, but that would cost over $5000, whereas they could bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.

The guy said: "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asked: "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy said: "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.”

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Category: Gay Liberation Front TEENAGE SEX

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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