Category: Army Stories

PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT

During an inspection tour at an Army hospital, the general started his visit in the Internal Medicine Wing. He stopped at the first patient’s bed and asked:

“What is it that you are in here for son?”

“Piles, Sir.”

“And what is the treatment you are receiving?”

“Swabbing, three times a day.”

“Do have you any complaints, or requests?”

“Thank you, Sir, everything is just fine.”

In the same manner, the general stopped at every patient’s bedside and asked the same questions. As it happened, in this particular department, all four patients he visited, had hemorrhoids and they all answered similarly. Finally, the general reached the bed of the fifth patient.

“I am here with a bad throat-infection,” – whispered the soldier, in response to his superior’s question.

“And what is the treatment prescribed for you?”

“Swabbing, three times daily.”

“Do have you any special requests?” – continued the general with his routine.

“I have. I would very much prefer, if they would start the swabbing-rounds with me.”

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Category: Animal Stories

JUNGLE JUSTICE

On his way to his favorite watering hole, an elephant encountered a mouse running for his life.

“What is your hurry, little fellow?” - he asked.

“Some animal raped the lioness,” – answered the frightened rodent – “and its mate is suspicious of every male in sight.”

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Category: Animal Stories

TRUE TO FORM

A panda bear walked into a saloon and ordered a sandwich. The waiter brought him his order. After the panda finished its meal, it pulled out a pistol, shot the waiter and started to leave. The bartender shouted:

“Hey you! What do you think you're doing?”

The panda said:

“I'm a panda. Look it up in any reference book..”

The bartender got out an encyclopedia and looked up “panda.”

Sure enough it said:

“Panda n., a bear-like marsupial native to China. Known largely for its stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

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Category: Airline Stories

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT

On the new Boeing aircraft great emphasis was given to passenger comfort. One of the interesting innovations was, that there were separate washrooms for ladies and gentlemen. During the airplane’s maiden flight, one of the passengers had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the male lavatories, but found them to be occupied. A stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps and had pain and anxiety written all over his face. The girl took pity on the visibly suffering passenger and though expressly forbidden to do so, let him use one of the female washrooms. She warned him not to touch any of the buttons on the wall installed for the ladies’ convenience. The man was about to pop and would have promised anything, just to get into one of these small cubicles.

The relief was pure joy and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: “WW”, “WA”, and “PP” and there was one red button labeled “ATR”. Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the “WW” button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. A good feeling came over him. The male lavatory didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the “WA” button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.

He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped and without hesitation pressed the “PP” button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies’ toilet was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure. He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He pressed the button and came to in the hospital. He did not remember a thing, but saw that he was bandaged around his midriff. The nurse staring down at him with a smirk on her face would not answer his questions and all the doctor was ready to tell him was that he was no longer a man. Only when a remorseful airline executive showed up with a huge bouquet of flowers, did he learn of the reason for his debilitating injury.

“Would somebody tell me what happened? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies lavatory!!!” - asked the man furiously.

“You pushed one too many button,” - replied the embarrassed executive. “That last button marked “ATR” is an Automatic Tampax Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

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Category: Afterlife

REINCARNATION

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed, that if either died, the other one would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out:

“John, Dear John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”

A ghostly voice answered her:

“Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked:

“Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“Well what do you do all day?” - asked Martha.

“Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep at about 11 p.m.”

Martha was somewhat taken aback:

“Is that what heaven really is like?”

“Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha.”

“Well then where are you?”

“I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona.”

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Category: Accountants

SIMPLE ACCOUNTING

One Friday evening, an accountant left a letter for his wife. It read:

"To My Dear Wife (that's what he called her), you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight". When the man came home, he found the following letter:

"My Dear Husband (that's what she called him), I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my handsome and virile tennis coach, who like your secretary is 18 years old. Being a successful accountant, with an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow".

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Category: Women's Lib

UNISEX

The guests at the wealthy socialite’s house were treated to an impromptu concert. One of the guests whispered to the person next to him:

“That girl is singing completely off-key.”

“That is my son who is singing,” - replied the other.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were his father.”

“No, I’m his mother.”

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