Category: Marital Bliss

FIT PRESENT

A fellow said to his buddy:

“I don't know what to buy my wife for her birthday. She already has everything, so I'm really stumped.”

His buddy said:

“I have an idea. Make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!”

The next day his buddy asked:

“Well, did you accept my suggestion? How'd it turn out?”

“She loved it. She thanked me, jumped up, kissed me on the mouth and ran out the door yelling: See you in two hours!”

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Category: Marital Bliss

IT IS BETTER TO BE SURE

Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him:

“YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN!”

Adam responded:

“Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth” – and went to sleep. Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve.

“What the heck are you doing?” – he asked.

“I'm counting your ribs,” – she responded.

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Category: Marital Bliss

FITTING PUNISHMENT

A man and his wife were on their way to visit some friends. The woman kept pestering her husband about his driving and warned him that the highway police will stop them. Just as she finished speaking, their car was flagged down by a policeman, who asked for the man’s driver’s license.

“What did I do?” - queried the man.

“You were speeding,” - replied the policeman.

“You see!” - interjected the woman. “How many times do I have to tell you to drive more slowly?”

Without another word, the policeman returned the driver’s papers and waved them on their way.

“Are you letting me go without a fine?” - asked the man incredulously.

“I think that you have been punished enough, my friend,” - said the policeman graciously.

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Category: Marital Bliss

TROPHIES

The big game hunter was showing his guests the trophies mounted on the wall of his den. The heads of a fierce-looking African lion, a Canadian grizzly, a deer with magnificent antlers, a pair of ivory tusks. Suddenly one of the guests pointed at the head of a mustachioed man, mounted there among the stuffed animal heads:

“And who is he?”

“That is Antonio, an Italian singer,” – answered the hunter. “I bagged him in my wife’s bed.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

GOOD REASON

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.

“I assume, “ – she snarled, – “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?”

“There is,” – he replied, – “breakfast.”

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Category: Marital Bliss TOTAL COMMITMENT

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These positions are hard to fill and a lot of testing and background checks are involved before one can even be considered for the position. After background checks, training and testing, the possible choices have been narrowed down to two men and a woman. The day came for the final test, to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test, took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances”, – they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man got a shocked look on his face and said:

“You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!”

“Well,” - said the CIA men, – “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” – they explained. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes and then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.

“I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No,” – the CIA men replied. “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.

“We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for minutes and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said:

“You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”

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Category: Marital Bliss

SMALL WORLD

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf, because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake and rough on the course and didn’t bother to wave the men on, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting, one man said:

“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, turned around and came back, explaining:

“I can’t do it. One of these women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

The second man walked towards the ladies, got halfway there and just like his partner, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said:

“Small world!”

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