Category: Sporting World TEEING OFF

Tiger Woods drove his huge Volvo into a Petrol Station in Cork, on his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greeted him in a typical Cork manner, unaware as to who the golf pro was:

“Top of the morning to you etc., etc”.

As Tiger bent down to pick up the pump, two tees fell out of his top pocket onto the ground.

“What are dey Son?” – said the attendant.

“They’re called tees” – replied Tiger.

What’re dey for?” – enquired the Cork man.

“They’re for resting my balls on while I’m driving” – replied Tiger.

Jaysus”, – said the Cork man, – “Dem fellas at Volvo tink of fookin’ everyting!”

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Category: Simpletons LOGICAL Two policemen were walking on the banks of a dried out stream. “How did all these pebbles get here?” “They were carried by the stream.” “And where is the stream now?” “Probably went to fetch more pebbles.”

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Category: Political Jokes EXECUTIVE MISCHIEF

This joke has probably been retold countless of times, always substituting the current politicians’ names. So let’s not use any names this time.

On a bright winter morning, as the President went out jogging, he was surprised to see his name spelled out in piss in the fresh snow. He was furious. After all, wasn’t he the President of the United States? He rushed back to the White House and ordered the FBI Chief to find the culprit promptly. After a few days, the FBI Chief reported back and announced to his Head of State that he had both good news and bad news.

“Give me the good news first,” - said the President. “Did you get the bastard?”

“Piece of cake! An analysis of the urine showed it was that of the Vice President.”

“If these are the good news, then for Heaven’s sake, what are the bad ones?” - demanded the President in exasperation

“The handwriting is that of your wife’s, Mr. President”.

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Category: Parenting TRY AGAIN

A twenty-one-year-old girl told her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother went to the drugstore and bought a test kit. The test result showed that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother said:

"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picked up the phone and made a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stopped in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, stepped out of the car and entered the house. He sat in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl and told them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll provide support. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him:

"Then you try again."

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Category: On The Farm THE IDIOT The seasonal laborer’s old jalopy broke down in the middle of nowhere, just as night was falling. Luckily enough, he saw a small house on top of one of the distant hills, but it was pitch dark when he reached it. He knocked repeatedly and when at last a sleepy-eyed man opened the door, the laborer told him of his car-trouble and asked if he could stay overnight. “We will gladly have you,” - answered the farmer, - “but ours is a small house and we only have two rooms. I sleep with my wife in one room, so you can either sleep in the other room with our baby, or in the stable. There is some fresh hay in there, so it will be soft and smell good.” The traveler was tired and did not want risk sleeping with a baby, whose crying would keep him awake most of the night, so he chose the stable. In the morning, after a wonderfully restful night, he was washing up at the well, when a beautiful, young maiden emerged from the house. “Who are you?” - asked the stranger. “I am Baby,” - answered the girl. “And who might you be?” “I am an idiot.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations TELLING EVERYBODY

An old man came into confession and said to the priest:

“Father, I'm 80 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, four kids and eleven grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice!”

“Well, my son, are you sorry for your sins?” – asked the priest.

“What sins?”

“What kind of a Catholic are you?

“I'm not Catholic, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“You kidding?”– grinned the geezer. “I'm telling everybody!”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations RECURRENCE

An 85-year-old man married a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband was so old, the woman decided that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She was concerned that the old fellow would overexert himself. After the festivities she prepared herself for bed and for the knock on the door she expected. Sure enough the knock came and there was her groom ready for action. They united in conjugal union and all went well whereupon he took his leave of her and she prepared to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there was a knock on the door and there was old guy again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consented to further coupling, which was again successful, after which the octogenarian bid her a fond good night and left.

She was certainly ready for slumber at this point and was close to sleep for the second time when there was another knock at the door and there he was again fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more. Once again they did the horizontal boogie. As they were lying in afterglow the young bride said to him:

“I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I’ve been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.”

The old guy looked puzzled, turned to her and said: “Was I already here?”

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