Category: Naughty Jokes

LIP SERVICE

On a bench in the park:

“Tom, remove your spectacles, they’re pressing against my leg.”

A few minutes later:

“Maybe you had better put them on again, you’re licking the bench.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

EXCELLENT HEARING

A man rented an apartment in New York and went to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady wearing a robe came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes. The new lodger smiled at the young girl and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was quite obvious that she had nothing on under the robe. The poor man broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said:

“Let's go into my apartment, I hear someone coming...”

He followed her into the apartment and after she closed the door she leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall open completely. She purred at him:

“What would you say is my best feature?”

The flustered, embarrassed man stammered, cleared his throat several times and finally squeaked out:

“Oh, it's got to be your ears!”

The girl was astounded:

“Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don't sag and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm, doesn't sag and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”

Clearing his throat once again, the man stammered:

“Outside when you said you heard someone coming – that was me!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

HUNTING STORY

The big game hunter regaled his pals with the highlights of his African trip:

“I started my safari with 30 porters. On the very first day I encountered a big lion and shot him between the eyes. Eight of the men had to carry the carcass. The next morning a rogue elephant charged our party, but I managed to fell him with my first shot. He was so big that 14 porters barely managed to transport his body. Later, we encountered a beautiful rhino. He too went down from my first shot, but his body used up the rest of my bearers. So, when I bagged a magnificent gorilla, I was obliged to carry him myself.”

“How did you manage?” - asked of his listeners.

“Oh, I simply put each of his legs on one of my shoulders...”

Just then the hunter was called away for an urgent phone call. When he returned, he asked:

“Where was I?”

“You put one leg on each of your shoulders,” - said somebody helpfully.

“Oh yes,” - the hunter took up the thread, - “I must tell you guys, this was the most fabulous fuck I ever had.”

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Category: Mother-In-Law

A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE

A large crowd assembled in front of the high-rise building. A woman was holding on with all her might to the banister of one of the sixth-floor balconies, while an agitated man was clubbing her fingers with a hammer. One of the onlookers shouted:

“Have pity man, why are you harassing that poor woman?”

“She is not a poor woman, she is my mother-in-law.”

“The dirty bitch, see how she keeps holding on.”

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Category: Mothers

MONKEYING AROUND

The mother took her son to the Zoo. As they approached the primate cages, she noticed with horror that a pair of gorillas were in the middle of steamy intercourse. Horrified of the bad influence this sight might have on her son, she tried to drag him away, but the child was adamant. He wanted to see the monkeys. As a last recourse, the mother grabbed the sleeve of the nearby attendant and urgently whispered into his ear:

“Do you think that if I gave them a banana each, they would stop?”

Bemused, the attendant looked her over and asked:

“Would you, Madam?”

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Category: Modern Fables

I KNOW WHO YOU REALLY ARE

At first I thought of entering the fable that follows below, in the “POLITICAL” category, but then I thought that the personality trait ridiculed in it, namely pretending to be someone other than yourself, is typical of all walks of life, so I put it in 'Modern Fables'.

A young German shepherd dog asked the advice of an elder colleague as to the best way to get ahead in the world. The advice of the elder dog was:

“All you have to do is to feign that you are someone else. You could pretend, for example, that you are a wolf and instantly you would be feared and respected by everybody.”

“How can I pretend being a wolf?”

“It is really very simple. The only difference between dogs and wolves is that when dogs meet, they smell each other’s behinds, whereas wolves merely rub noses. You look exactly like a wolf, so stop behaving like a dog, act like a wolf and everybody will accept that you are one.”

The young dog acted on the advice of the older dog and within a short period made a meteoric career and achieved a high position within society. A few years later, at a cocktail party, he saw from afar his mentor from the old days. He was not an ungrateful type and did not try to avoid him. He went over to the old dog and affectionately rubbed noses with him. The elder one looked him over and said:

“I see that you have come up in the world, but with me you don’t have to pretend. I know who you really are, so you can go ahead without fear and smell my ass.”

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Category: Misers

HEAVY SPENDER

Two men were talking at the office water-cooler. One said complainingly:

“My wife is always nagging me about money. A week ago she asked for 100 dollars, two days later for 200, the day-before-yesterday for 300 and this morning for 500 dollars.”

“What is she doing with so much money?” – asked the other wonderingly.

“How would I know? I never gave her a penny.”

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