REPEAT PERFORMANCE
A Pole went into a bar where the TV news was on, showing a woman on a roof ready to jump. The Pole said to the bartender:
“I bet she won't jump.”
The bartender took him on and they bet $50.00. SHE JUMPED. The Pole handed over the money, but the bartender wouldn’t take it. He said:
“It wouldn’t be fair, as I saw the news earlier on the
The Pole answered:
“That's O.K. I saw it on the same newscast, but I didn’t think she would jump the second time.”
While taking his daily walk the rabbi encountered the priest, walking along with a mournful face.
“What happened?” - he asked his friend. “Why the gloomy expression?”
“My bicycle has mysteriously disappeared. It is not only that this was my only means of transportation, but I fear, that somebody from my flock may have taken it.”
“Look here, you can easily find out, if this is so” - advised the rabbi. “Let the subject of this week’s sermon be the Ten Commandments and as you recite them one by one, stop at ‘Thou shall not steal!’ and repeat it several times, while looking at your congregation angrily. You will see that the bicycle will be returned the next day.”
The two clerics met again on Monday. The rabbi eagerly asked the priest:
“Did my advice help? Has the bicycle been returned?”
“Yes and no,” - replied the priest with an even more doleful expression. “I started with the Ten Commandments and when I reached the sixth, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery!’ I suddenly remembered where I left the bicycle.”
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“Don’t swear my son,” – said the priest – “rather pray!”
The driver took the admonition to heart and said a brief prayer. Miraculously, the car started immediately. The surprised priest uttered:
“What the hell!”
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One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish. A man was walking by and said:
“Wow!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!”
The sister said:
“Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain.”
The man said:
“But that's the species of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish.”
The sister said: “Oh, ok.”
The Sister took the fish back home and said:
“Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.”
Shocked, the Mother Superior said:
“Sister, you know better than that.”
The nun said:
“That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.”
So the Mother Superior said:
“Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it.”
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said:
“Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught.”
Nearly fainting, Monsignor said:
“Mother Superior, you shouldn’t talk like that!”
Mother Superior said:
“But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.”
Monsignor said:
“Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it.”
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table and he said:
“Wow, what a nice fish.”
In reply, the sister said:
“Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.”
And Mother Superior said:
“I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.”
And Monsignor said:
“I cooked the Gauddam Fish.”
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked and said:
“I like this fucking place already!”
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The local preacher came to pay a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night. As he approached the house, he heard the loud voices of many people gathered inside. He knocked on the door and when the owner opened it, he saw behind him, a circle of naked men, with a blindfolded woman moving from one to another, handling each man's package and guessing whose it was.
Feeling quite embarrassed, the preacher stammered:
“I'll come at some other time. I don't think I'd fit in here right now.”
“Nonsense,” - the man replied. “Your name's been called three times already!”
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“So little? Three weeks ago, confessing to the very same sins at the Capuchiners’ church, I got a much higher penitence.”
“Capuchiners, Capuchiners,” – grumbled the good Father, – “what do they know about screwing.”
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