Category: Doctors and Patients

A LITTLE MISUNDERTANDING

Nurse Simpleton was quite dense, but the duty surgeon was so exhausted that after giving the nurse detailed instructions, he thought he could afford to get a little shuteye - until the next emergency. Hardly had his head touched the pillow, or so it seemed, when some awful screaming on the corridor outside his room, brought him to full alert. He opened the door and saw a frightened man, sans pants, running for his life, pursued by Nurse Simpleton, who was carrying a cauldron full of steaming hot water.

Aghast the doctor shouted:

“Come back, Miss Simpleton. What I instructed you to do was, to prick the patient’s boil!”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

A physician’s wife whose lover used to visit her apartment every morning when her husband was away at the hospital noticed that every time they made love, the man consumed an apple with great relish. When she asked him about it, he laughed it off:

“You know what they say sweetheart: ‘An apple a day, keeps the doctor away!’”

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Category: C'est La Vie

RETIREMENT PRESENT

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mailbox in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!

He was very satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.

The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained:

“When I called my husband ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said: 'Screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea.”

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Category: Business is Business

GOT HIM BY THE...

An elderly lady carrying a soiled lunch bag, walked into the main offices of the Chase Manhattan Bank, went to the nearest teller's window, plunked down the bag and said:

“I wish to make a deposit, but beforehand I'd like to meet with the President of the bank.”

The clerk was about to explain that this was quite impossible, when a quick look showed that there were over a million dollars in cash in the sack! Flabbergasted, he called upstairs to the President's office and explained the situation to his secretary, who relayed it to her boss. The old lady was ushered upstairs into the President’s office and introductions were made. Wondering how this old lady had come by such a tidy sum, the President inquired:

“Are you in the stock market?”

“No.”

“Play the horses then...?”

“No... actually I do wager,....... but I prefer to bet on people.”

“I see,” - said the President.

“As a matter of fact”, - continued the old lady, - “I will wager you $25,000 that by tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock your balls will be square!”

Speculating that he could not possibly lose this bet, the President said:

“I'll have to take you up on that one!”

He and the old lady shook hands and parted company. The President was very careful the rest of the day and to avoid risk, did not go out that evening. Next morning as he was showering, he checked himself and all was as it should be. He went to work humming. At exactly 9 o'clock the old lady was again shown into the President's office, only this time accompanied by a distinguished looking gentleman in an expensive suit. The woman explained:

“This is my attorney. I always bring him along when dealing in large sums.”

The President acknowledged the lawyer and then said:

“Well I hate to tell you this, but I am the same as yesterday only $25,000 richer!”

The old lady asked for proof and in light of the sum involved, the President agreed to drop his trousers to allow the old lady to grasp his scrotum. At this point the attorney started to bang his head against the President's desk with vigor.

“What's wrong with him?” - asked the President.

“Oh him”, - said the woman, - “I bet him $100,000 yesterday that by 9.15 tomorrow I would have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls!”

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Category: Boys and Girls

FITTING ANSWER

Said the brash young man to the girl he encountered on the street:

“Don’t you remember me? We met at the zoo.”

“Really? What cage were you in?”

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Category: Boys and Girls

MISNOMER

It was the spring of 1957 and Bobby went to pick up his date. He was a pretty hip guy, with his own car. When he arrived at the front door, the girl's father invited him in.

“Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?” – he said.

“That's cool,” – said Bobby.

Carrie's father asked Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replied politely that they would probably just go to the soda shop, or a movie. Carrie's father responded:

“Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this came as a quite a surprise to Bobby – so he asked Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” – said the father, – “Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up and his plans for the evening were beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie came downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announced that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorted his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushed back into the house, slammed the door behind her, and screamed at her father: “DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

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Category: Boys and Girls

IMPERCEBTIBLE

At the New Year Eve ball, a young man noticed a ravishing woman and asked her for a dance. The lady looked him over and then uttered devastatingly:

“Did you really think I would dance with a child?”

The young man apologized:

“Excuse me Madam, I really didn’t know you were pregnant.”

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