Category: Computers

PASSWORD

A wife was helping her husband set up his computer and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

P.....

E.....

N.....

I.....

S.....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

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Category: Simpletons NOT MINE

As a result of an accident in the workshop, a foreman’s ear was cut off. His co-workers rushed him to the nearest hospital. The duty-surgeon examined the patient and then asked:

“Did anyone have the sense to bring the missing organ? If no time is wasted, it can be reattached and all that will remain from the accident will be an almost unnoticeable scar.”

When they all shook their heads in negation he ordered them to hasten back to the workshop and retrieve it. A short while later the ear was brought to the hospital in a plastic bag. After the blood was washed off, the injured man was asked if this is his ear.

“No,” - said the man, - “mine had a pencil behind it.”

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Category: Political Jokes

SHE ALWAYS HAS THE LAST WORD

The President and the First Lady were out in their car when they stopped by a gas station. There are certain needs, which even people in their exalted position cannot disregard. When the Prez returned from the washroom, he overheard the attendant addressing his spouse by her first name and as they were driving away, both waved to each other in a friendly way.

“Who was that guy?” – demanded the Chief of State.

“Oh, just a someone I used to date before I met you,” – replied his wife nonchalantly.

“Then you are lucky you met me. You could be married now to a gas-station attendant.”

“Or maybe, he would be the President of the US.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

HEARING AID

A man and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asked the lady:

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady:

"Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river and the elderly gentleman asked:

"Up or down?"

The woman replied:

"Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady:

"Up or down?"

She replied:

"Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked:

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied:

"Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

CUNNING

An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him:

"We're not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned:

"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said:

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

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Category: Old Age Humiliation

ITALIAN BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said:

“Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said:

"Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said:

"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said:

"I want 5 loaves."

She said:

"My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"

He replied:

"Holy crap! Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but ME....?!"

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

DROP-IN

An old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked:

“Do you think we can still do that?”

“Well, we can sure try!” – she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she undressed in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

“What are you doing, sweetheart?” – he asked.

“Well,” - she replied, - “I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”

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