Category: Ethnic Stories

HOLIDAY RUSE

Morris called his son in New York and said:

“Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama.”

The son was shocked and asked his father to tell him what happened.

“I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up.”

“But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?”

“It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it any more than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.”

“But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?”

“No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.”

“Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm taking the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there.”

“Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder*. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore.”

Half an hour later Morris received a call from his daughter who told him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

“Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the phone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there.”

Morris promised. After hanging up, Morris turned to his wife and said:

“Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah...**”

* The feast celebrated on the first two nights of Passover.

** Rosh Hashanah = the Jewish New Year

Custom Search

Category: Ethnic Stories

UTTER RUBBISH

Two Japanese businessmen met in London:

“Kimoshito, your wife Itsiko is having an affair with a Jewish man.”

Kimoshito took the first plane back to Tokyo and confronted his wife:

“Itsiko is this true?”

Itsiko replied:

“Kimoshito-san, who is the meshuga who has been telling you all this?”

Custom Search

Category: Ethnic Stories

CARDINAL JACK

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness,” - said one of the Cardinals, - “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews, or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.”

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

“Not to worry,” - said the Cardinal, - “we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres. We can't lose!”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match:

“I came in second, your Holiness,” - said Nicklaus.

“Second?!!” - exclaimed the surprised Pope. - “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!”

“No,” - said Nicklaus, - “I came in second to Rabbi Woods.”

Custom Search

Category: Ethnic Stories

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

“Can I help you?”- the madam asked.

“I want Natalie,” - the old man replied.

“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...”

“No, I must see Natalie.”

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:

“No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The old man replied:

“I am from Minsk.”

“Really?” - replied Natalie, - “I have a sister who lives there.”

“Yes, I know,” - said the old man. “She gave me $3,000 to give to you.”

Custom Search

Category: Ethnic Stories

NO JEWISH JOKES PLEASE

One morning Katz came into the office and as soon as he was seated at his table, said:

“Listen guys, I heard a terrific new joke.”

“Not again! We are fed-up with those Jewish jokes,” - groaned his fellow-workers.

“Oh no, this is not a Jewish joke, it is a Japanese one,” - answered Katz.

“A Japanese? We never heard a Japanese joke. Let’s hear it.”

“Two Japanese traveled on a train from Osaka to Tokyo. Suddenly one of them said: ‘Listen, Moishe...!’”

Custom Search

Category: Ethnic Stories

MARY AND THE HOTEL CLERK

Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said:

“I’m sorry Madam, there’s no room. The hotel is full.”

The Jewish lady said:

“But your sign says that you have vacancies.”

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly:

“You know that we do not admit Jews. Now, if you will try the other side of town...”

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said:

“I'll have you know that I converted to your religion.”

The desk clerk said:

“Oh, yeah, then let me give you a little test: How was Jesus born?”

Mrs. Rosenberg replied:

“He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.”

“Very good,” - replied the hotel clerk, - “tell me more.”

Mrs. Rosenberg replied:

“He was born in a manger.”

“That's right,” - said the hotel clerk - “and why was he born in a manger?”

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly:

“Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!”

Custom Search

Category: Ethnic Stories

FLUCTUATIONS

A Chinese lady on holiday in London went to the bank to change some Hong Kong Dollars into pounds. She asked what the exchange rate was and the teller said:

“HK$12.50 for ₤1.”

She went ahead and changed some money. The next day she needed some more pounds and went back to the bank. This time the teller said:

“HK$12.80 for ₤1.”

The Chinese lady wondered:

“What's going on? Yesterday it was only $12.50 and today it's $12.80?”

The snotty British teller said:

“Fluctuations Madame.”

The Chinese lady replied:

“Well, fuck you caucasions too!”

Custom Search