Category: Mother-In-Law

NOT AN ENJOYABLE OCCASION

With her last breath the terminally sick woman asked of her husband:

“I want you to give me your word, my dear, that you and my mother will make up and you will walk side-by-side after my coffin at my funeral.”

Huffily the husband grumbled:

“I promise, I promise, but I must confess, that I will not enjoy this funeral very much.” 

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Category: Mothers

IMMACULATE CONCEPTION

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters' swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say:

"Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury. She argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became even more enraged and screamed:

"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show.”

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Category: Modern Fables

ADAM AND EVE

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said:

“It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.”

Adam answered:

“Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?”

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush… Moments later, Adam emerged and said:

“Thank you Lord, we thought that was wonderful!”

And the Lord replied:

“Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.”

And Adam said:

“What is a 'caress'?”

So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam took his beloved wife behind the bushes...  Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling and said:

“Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”

And the Lord said:

“You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.”

And Adam inquired:

“What is it to 'to make love', Lord?”

So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared almost instantly...  And Adam said:

“Lord, what is a 'headache'?”

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Category: Misers

TEN DOLLARS

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say:

"Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Edna would say:

"I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said:

"Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."

Edna replied:

"Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said:

"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Fred:

"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied:

"Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

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Category: Marital Bliss

SPICING UP THE SEX LIFE

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says:

"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," - she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat”. 

He never heard the gunshot.

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Category: Male Chauvinists

WOODPECKERS

A Georgia woodpecker and a Kentucky woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees. The Georgia woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Kentucky woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Georgia woodpecker was in awe.

The Kentucky woodpecker then challenged the Georgia woodpecker to peck a tree in Kentucky that was absolutely un-peckable. The Georgia woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Kentucky, the Georgia woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
     The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Kentucky woodpecker was able to peck the Georgia tree and the Georgia Woodpecker was able to peck the Kentucky tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

“Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.” 

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Category: Lawyers

SCREW

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree:

"Wow, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said:

"You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring, or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other:

"You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.... So .... do you think we should ... well .... you know ...... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.

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